Gomen ne
by JeichanHaka
Summary: Yuki leaves, returning after a year. The secret about his departure is revealed, while Shuichi has personal issues to contend with along with whether he wants to continue his relationship with Yuki after the novelist's abandonment.
1. Chapter 1

**Gomen ne:**

**Chapter one:**

**Yuki's POV:**

_I cannot love you like you wish to be loved—I'm not that kind of person—I see you with your open heart and cringe secretly out of guilt that I can't love you like that._

_Every time I see your eyes sparkle I can't know how to handle it so I push you down and belittle you._

_I can't stand seeing you hurt but I can't be with you either—one of these things I must fail at or I'll miserably fail at both. Gomen ne._

_I don't know what to do—should I stay or leave? Should I tell you it's over or should I stick through to the end or until you tire of being kicked around?_

_What is love exactly? I don't have any idea what it is—not since Kitazawa have I felt anything. Since I became a murderer—betraying myself in the process. I can't help but think about what could've been if only Kitazawa hadn't betrayed me—if he hadn't been there that day. Would I be the same man I am now? Would I know what love is?_

_Would I ever have met you? Probably not—yet I still wish that things had worked out differently that day. Even at the cost of losing you, I'd give anything to have Kitazawa back in my life._

_Gomen ne._

_I know that would hurt you if you knew—yet somehow I think you already know. I'd give up even heaven to be with Kitazawa again, to erase the pain he caused—if only he hadn't been there that day, if only he hadn't tried to sell me to those men. If even one thing was different, I think I may not have killed him._

_What makes me feel guiltier about killing him is I knew he was drunk that day—I knew he wasn't sober, yet the anger over his betrayal caused me to grab the gun from the one man and shoot him. I didn't want to—I only wanted to end the hurt in my heart—but I ended up killing Kitazawa. _

_Shuuichi, I know I can never love you, can never feel that elated emotion within my withered heart. Yet you cling to me hoping each day to unlock my caged, broken heart—to unshackle love's wings so that it can envelop us within its embrace. But I know your dream is futile—and I know you know it too. Yet you keep on hoping, it's impossible, yet you hope._

_I hate you for that. That ability to hope so much even with futility hovering over your head—I hate you for the hope keeping you by my side, beautifully on a tether. I hate you so much. Gomen ne._

_I want to love you, but I can't—I gave my heart years ago to Kitazawa, and broke it—tore it in two…no….he tore it into a million tiny pieces, leaving an impossible puzzle to put back together. Yet you're trying—and succeeding. Already I feel more for you now than I did, through the years you have mended my heart, collecting up the pieces and putting them in their proper order._

_Yes, you're succeeding in mending my heart, yet I know I still won't be able to love you—the only one I love is Kitazawa, so even if you make my heart whole again, it will only be to renew my love for a ghost._

_Gomen ne, gomen ne._

_Shuuichi, I must leave you now. I must escape from you before that happens—better for you to fail at fixing my heart than for you to succeed and renew my love for a rival. A dead rival whom you can't compete with. I don't think I ever want to give up my love for Kitazawa, even at the cost of losing you. So I'm leaving you, don't try to find me, don't give up your life searching for me. I don't deserve you, and you deserve better than to be stuck with me._

_You deserve to be with someone who can love you._

_Gomen ne._

_Yuki._

Shuuichi read the letter left on his pillow, alone in the rich yet dreary apartment. After coming home from work at the studio, he had entered the apartment expecting to hear Yuki working in the study like always. Yet when he entered he heard nothing but silence—no tapping of the keyboard keys, no sound of the TV, or shower going. Nothing.

Finally, after searching the entire apartment his eyes fell to the letter left on his pillow. Heart pounding he had opened it, now regretting doing so.

Yuki had left him; had left him like countless times before, only this time he left a note explaining why. Somehow that made this time more serious than the others—reading Yuki's words, hearing the hurt within them, Shuuichi knew the futility of bringing his lover back.

Yuki would never love him. Would never be able to forget Kitazawa and love him—

"Yuki…." Silent tears fell down Shuuichi's cheeks as he clung to the letter, dropping to his knees on the floor. "Yuki…."

**A/N: End chapter, please review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter two**

**One year later:**

It was time, after a year searching for his love, it was time to let go. His career and friendships suffered during the past year as he thought of nothing else except finding Yuki, hardly even sleeping during his search.

A search that always led to a dead end, regardless of what he tried or where he went—even during his first international tour he searched for Yuki, during all of his free time he did nothing but search.

Maybe that's why his concerts suffered during that tour. Suffered so bad that there was talk of dropping Bad Luck from the NG label.

Only the fact that Seguchi knew how he felt stopped the NG shacho from firing them—Seguchi had searched for Yuki too during the past year, but had suddenly given up halfway through. That made Shuuichi suspicious.

Shuuichi felt certain that Seguchi knew where Yuki was, but the shacho wouldn't tell him, wouldn't tell him anything—though at first Seguchi promised to tell Shuuichi as soon as he found Yuki, now he wouldn't say anything.

Somehow Shuuichi knew it was because of Yuki, Yuki must have made the shacho promise not to tell him where he was. That hurt. That Yuki didn't wish to be found, that Yuki would make Seguchi promise not to tell Shuuichi where he was, hurt the singer—hurt him so bad he wanted to give up singing.

But neither his band-mates nor Seguchi would hear of that. He would keep singing for Bad Luck or there would be no Bad Luck, as simple as that.

"Shuuichi, you need to start singing again or Seguchi will fire us all." Hiro stopped strumming on his guitar and said as Shuuichi left the recording booth—pleading in his voice.

"I don't feel like singing this crap today. It's too…cheerful."

"But Shuu, you wrote it."

"Well, it sucks—I'm not singing it."

"Shuu…."

"Fine Shindou-san, you don't have to sing this song." Fujisaki spoke up, standing by his keyboard. "Why don't you just write a new song—one that expresses your current mood?"

"Fujisaki's right, Shuu. If you won't sing your current songs, then you should write some new ones. Ones you will sing."

"I don't feel up to writing right now."

"No one's telling you to write it now, we have a five day vacation coming up—you can write a song or two then." Hiro smiled and placed his hand on Shuuichi's shoulder. "Just right now you have to sing. We don't need you getting out of practice."

"All right."

-

I searched and searched for love

But Love didn't find me.

I journeyed and journeyed far above

But the above turned me down.

Now I rest in the arms of heartache,

Withered and worn—

Indestructible and cruel,

Where are you and are you torn?

Shuuichi looked over the lyrics he wrote, his head pounding as he picked up the bottle lying next to him. An expensive bottle of wine, half filled, he brought to his lips downing about a quarter of what was left. Then he stood up and walked around the room, eyeing each inch of it with weary eyes.

Empty wine bottles and beer cans littered about, along with dirty clothes he didn't feel like washing, he walked through the mess toward his bedroom. Slightly staggering, he leaned against the wall for support when legs felt too heavy to lift, his head pounding more now that he was passing _that_ room.

That room, Yuki's old study, left untouched during that past year, rested to his right as he stepped down the hall. How many times have he passed that room, hoping for a miracle to hear the tap, tap, tap of the laptop keys—or hoping for Yuki to step out from the door and ask him how his day was? Too many.

"I should move…." His words fell to the deaf ears of the apartment as he remained still against the wall just before that room's door. "I really should move…."

He meant he should move from that spot, but hearing those words escape his lips he knew the other meaning—that he should move from the apartment. Move from every memory of his love, from the memories of bitterness left in the apartment.

"Yuki….why did you leave me?" He fell to his knees, tears streaming down his face, body trembling. "I know that letter…but…why? Why couldn't you stay?"

Suddenly his eyes rested on a picture—a photograph sitting on a little table in the hallway—his beloved's face gleaming back at him. That blond hair, wild and unruly, those sparkling brown eyes, light and mysterious—that half smile, so slight, so unsure—it all gleamed at him from that photograph, almost laughing at him.

"Why, Yuki? Why did you run away? Damn you, why?" He stood up and grabbed the picture from the table, hands trembling as he held it. "Why did you run, huh? Answer me!" He threw the picture down, shattering the glass holding it in the frame. "Goddamn you!"

Unable to pass that room, Shuuichi turned around and staggered back to the living-room, stepping through and on the junk arrayed around the floor. He didn't care when he stepped on some broken glass from an old wine bottle, cutting his foot—he only cared about grabbing the half-filled wine bottle and downing the whole thing.

After he drank the rest of its contents he looked back to his lyrics, quickly scribbling down the epiphany he had from the alcohol running through his veins. Satisfied he lied down on the couch and closed his eyes, fading into an alcohol induced sleep.

Moments later, the door to the apartment opened and in stepped someone shrouded in shadow. Reaching the couch he gazed at the sleeping singer his lips twisting from a frown to a smile, then his gaze fell on the lyrics held in Shuuichi's hand.

Stepping through the gloom

With blood at the bottom of my foot,

I take your picture and break it in two

Now the glass doesn't hurt

As I bury it in my heart—

Hoping does me no good

When I think of the light I buried in you

Of love—how it could

Turn against me I don't know

All I know is the bottle soothes it

Leaves me with a soul six feet deep

Inside your heart—it smoothes it,

The transition into peace

Into that sweet surcease.

Why did you do it?

Gomen ne you told me.

Why didn't you stay?

Gomen ne I don't see

Why I should go on living this way.

Don't you see I'm torn,

And I can't deal with your

Gomen ne?


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I forgot to mention in the prior chapter that the song in chapter two is mine. So don't steal.**

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Three:**

Eyes scanning over the final words, gleaming in the sunlight from the open door, Tohma stared at the sleeping singer a wistful smile playing at his lips. During the past year he watched as Shuuichi slowly succumbed to loneliness and heartbreak, watched as he took to alcohol to drown his pain. Now he wished he hadn't simply watched as the singer ruined himself.

"But I can do nothing; Eiri doesn't want to be found."

He gently placed the paper on the end-table by the couch, and then he turned around to eye the apartment again. His brows furrowed as he flicked his eyes from each disordered corner, along the floor, at the bookshelves—food and empty bottles lay scattered about with weeks of dirty clothes. Or maybe it was months?

"Shindou-san…" He sighed, making his way carefully through the mess, down the hall to survey the amount of damage Shuuichi's negligence had caused. His face a stoic mask as he surveyed the whole hallway, his eyes looking where he was stepping, and his gaze quickly saw the photograph of Yuki Shuuichi had thrown to the floor. "Eiri…."

He picked up the photograph, careful not to cut himself on the glass—he remembered when that picture was taken—the week before Yuki left. It was one of the last pictures taken of him before he vanished.

Even now the shacho didn't know where he was—sure he had contact with Yuki, but that was only through emails, Yuki went to great lengths to keep his whereabouts secret, and it was only through promising not to hunt him down that the shacho could remain in touch with the novelist.

"Oh, Eiri-san, why did you leave? Why couldn't you stay for Shindou-san? He needs you."

-

When the sun broke through the window glass, landing onto his closed eyes, Shuuichi awoke to a surprisingly cleaner apartment. More surprising was the person he found sitting by the window, waiting for him to awake.

"Seguchi-san, what are you doing here?" Shuuichi sat up and wiped the sleep out of his eyes, wincing from his pounding head.

"I wanted to see how badly you've been treating the apartment." Seguchi stared at Shuuichi, his face without his smile. "As you've noticed, I cleaned up a bit."

"Yes." Shuuichi averted his gaze from Seguchi to around the room, noticing how much cleaner things were—most of the clothes were picked up, and all the empty bottles and beer cans were gone. "Thank you." He mumbled wincing against as a stab of pain rushed through his head.

"You're welcome." Seguchi said with his characteristic smile, before turning once again serious. "Shindou-san, you can't live like this anymore, you need to go to rehab."

"F— you, Seguchi, I don't need rehab." Shuuichi said as he stretched and yawned, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion until he looked at the table next to him. His confusion grew when he saw the paper with his lyrics on the table. "I didn't put this here…."

"No, I did. Those lyrics are pretty good. Different from your other work, though." Seguchi smiled as he replied, ignoring Shuuichi's curse.

"Who gave you the right to read them? I didn't say you could."

"No, you did not, true…but I'm your boss and if you're to use new lyrics for your songs I have the right to approve them."

"F— you."

"Shindou-san…." Seguchi said warningly before regaining his calm composure. "You need to go to rehab."

"What are you going to do if I don't? Fire me?" Shuuichi glared at the shacho, his heart pounding even as he feigned calmness. '_If I get fired, what will I do? I need money to buy alcohol….'_

"I could do that….but I'd rather make a deal." Seguchi flashed his trademark smile, his eyes lighting up as Shuuichi's glare lessened from confusion.

"A deal with what?"

"If you go through rehab, then I'd tell you how to get in touch with Eiri-san."

-

Elsewhere, staring at the darkening sky, brown eyes gleaming as the moonlight shone on his blond hair, Yuki stood on his balcony deep in quiet thought. A year had passed since he saw the brat, since he even asked how he was—in his emails to Seguchi he never asked about Shuuichi, and his brother-in-law never told.

"How are you doing, brat? Getting along well without me?" Yuki mumbled as he placed a cigarette in his mouth and lit it—with a new lighter, he'd long since gotten rid of the lighter with his and the brat's picture on it. He just couldn't deal with the memories that picture produced.

Quietly he listened to the music coming from his apartment—as much as he tried to forget and forsake everything about the brat, he couldn't let his music go. Everyday he listened to Bad Luck's CDs, and to the music channels featuring the band—everything about the band he listened to, the interviews, the music videos—everything.

"Why aren't you putting your all into the band, brat? There's talk about you getting dropped from the NG label. Why are you making your career suffer?"

'_Like I'm one to talk—I haven't written another book since I left.'_

Yuki paused, flicking the ashes from his cigarette to the balcony floor, the music from inside the apartment overwhelming the silence as he breathed in the cooling air.

"Brat, I thought you'd bring Bad Luck to Nittle Grasper's level by now, but….you haven't made a new song in over six months. And your recent concerts…." Yuki took one more puff of his cigarette and then threw it to the ground below the balcony. "Did my leaving affect you that much?"

'_Is that why Seguchi doesn't say anything about you? I'm certain he'd….'_

"No, Seguchi wouldn't tell me if anything was wrong with you—not if he thinks it will upset me." The blond stepped back into the apartment, listening as the one song stopped playing and another one started.

'_Orenji iro tsukiyo ga kuru to…._

"This song…." Yuki stopped, remembering back when Shuuichi first sang this song—at the Tokyo Bay Music Fest, a few years back. Yuki shut the sliding door leading to the balcony and leaned against it, his hand over his eyes—a trembling hand.

'_Kimi no koto o omoidasu….'_

"Shuu…i….chi…." The blond, leaning against the glass door, tilted his head back against it, and removed his hand from his face. His eyes glistened with unshed tears—tears he refused to let fall.

Determined, he reached for the remote to the stereo and shut off the offending song—for the past year he couldn't listen to that song the whole way through, couldn't listen past the first verse without remembering what the brat meant to him.

"Stupid…stupid, you damn brat—why must you make me worry about you?"

Silence answered him, pervading through the apartment. He walked through the room and placed the remote on the couch before heading for the kitchen, tears drying up in his eyes.

**A/N: End chapter, what should happen next? Should Shuuichi take Seguchi's deal? Should Yuki decide to return? What do you readers want to happen? Please review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Gomen ne:**

**Chapter Four:**

"_If you go through rehab, then I'll tell you how to get in touch with Eiri-san."_

Shuuichi couldn't get that sentence out of his mind—he didn't believe Seguchi, not now, not when over the past year whenever he asked about Yuki, the shacho always replied he didn't know. How was he to trust Seguchi now? Did Seguchi know where Yuki was or not?

"Stupid, he's not going to give me that information—" He sat down alone in the studio, for once he got there early since the shacho drove him in. Now he waited for Hiro and Suguru to arrive, smirking a little at the thought of their surprised faces when they saw he was early.

For the past six months he'd always been late, sometimes not showing up at all—K having given up trying to coerce him to be on time. K's method of persuasion continuously failed once Shuuichi gave up his zest for life, surrendering all to alcohol. But it took Shuuichi's saying 'just shoot me then' while K pointed his magnum to the singer's head for the blond to realize his methods wouldn't work anymore.

And Shuuichi had been dead serious at the time he said it. That K couldn't take, so he quit or at least tried to, but Seguchi wouldn't hear of it. Thus K simply gave up forcing the singer to be on time to the studio, gave up trying to force the Shuuichi to sing and just focused on getting Bad Luck appearances on the best shows.

"Fujisaki-san, there's no way Seguchi-san would agree to that…you know what he said before…." Hiro's voice drifted through the door as the knob turned.

"I know, Nakano-san, but he has to see reason one day. If Shindou-san refuses to sing, we must get rid of him." Fujisaki's voice replied as Hiro's voice turned silent. "Shindou-san probably won't even show today—he'll probably take his five day vacation early…." The keyboardist muttered bitterly, walking through the doorway with his eyes closed.

"I don't think so." Hiro merely answered, looking into the room at Shuuichi sitting at the table.

"How do you know? He's probably off catching up on his drinking—and who knows what else he does. And…." Finally Fujisaki opened his eyes and gaped at the silent singer sitting at the table. "Shindou-san!"

"Good morning, Fujisaki-san." Shuuichi said, face a mask though his mind buzzed. '_So they've been talking about replacing me, figures.'_

"You're early. Did you run out of booze or are you finally focused on setting your life straight?"

"Neither. Seguchi-san drove me in today."

"Seguchi-san drove you in? And you agreed to let him?"

"I thought you hated Seguchi-san…."

"I do. He just said he'd help me find Yuki if…."

"If what? You come to work today?"

"No, if I go to rehab."

For a moment Hiro and Fujisaki said nothing, just stared at Shuuichi in surprise as the singer studied his nails uninterestedly.

"Are…are you going to take Seguchi-san's offer, Shindou-san?"

"Shuuichi, you really should…."

Shuuichi merely looked up from his nails, giving them both a 'who cares' look while his head pounded from thought and a hangover. For three minutes silence pervaded the room before he spoke.

"I haven't decided yet."

"Haven't decided? But I thought you'd do anything to find Yuki." Hiro gaped at his best friend, sitting down before continuing. "You went through our entire international tour looking for Yuki—missing some of the concerts, and now you get the opportunity to finally find Yuki and you're considering turning it down? Are you crazy?"

"Yes." Shuuichi reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded sheet of paper. "I've also realized I do better lyrics when I drink. Even Seguchi-san said they were good." The singer tossed the paper onto the table, ignoring the incredulous looks on Hiro and Fujisaki's faces.

"Are you crazy? You'll trade finding Yuki for drinking just because you can write better lyrics? God…."

"Okay, what happened to the real Shuuichi?

"He's right here." Shuuichi said through gritted teeth, eyes gleaming. "And if you think I'm still that hung up on Yuki to jump at every opportunity to find him, you're mistaken. I know when it's time to give up, even if it did take a year, I know that it's finally over between us."

With that Shuuichi stood and stormed toward the door, pushing past Hiro and Fujisaki whose looks of shock frustrated him more. He didn't need them, didn't need anyone—not even Yuki. He didn't need people who promised to be there but always turned him down, he didn't need them.

"Especially not you, Yuki. Especially not you." He growled once he made it to the restroom, his cut foot sore from nearly stomping down the hall, head throbbing with pain. "I don't need you anymore. And I get that you don't want me either." Even as he said those words, tears fell from his eyes, down his cheeks, and to the floor.

-

Head pounding from a migraine, Yuki lit a cigarette and placed it between his lips, fingers pressed against his temples. He sat in front of his laptop screen, a word processor open and ready for him to type, but his fingers refused. His whole mind refused to cooperate—even after a year his mind sought out the sounds of the brat in the silent apartment.

"Brat, your memory still haunts me, even after a year." The blond backed away from the desk and laptop, searching for a bottle of aspirin to cool his raging headache. He winced as a feeling of foreboding descended upon him as he picked up the vial. "Brat."

-

Wiping his tears from his eyes, Shuuichi stood in front of the restroom mirror, headache excruciating and eyesight blurred. Leaning against the sink, blinking his eyes to focus them, he searched through his pocket for a small vial of painkillers. A vial he grabbed a few seconds after searching and opened while looking at himself in the mirror. Two pills he took out—just two and downed them with a small bottle of whiskey, to alleviate his headache.

By the time Hiro and Fujisaki thought to look for Shuuichi the singer was already unconscious on the restroom floor, the bottle of painkillers spilled onto the floor next to him.

-

Staring at that aspirin bottle, his hands shaking from an unreal anxiety, Yuki thought he heard the brat's voice in the apartment, telling him he loved him, but that passed into silence as he strained his ears to hear. Nothing there, just silence.

Then a beep sounded through the apartment, shocking Yuki so his heart thumped in his chest.

"It's just my email—nothing exciting." He whispered to calm his thoughts and heart, his pulse rapid. Without looking at who it was from he opened the email, reading its words out of curiosity and the need to slow his racing heart.

That he couldn't achieve, for one run-through of the email caused him to pale, the cigarette dropping from his mouth.

'_Eiri-san, _

_Come over here quick, Shuuichi has overdosed and is on his way to the hospital._

_Tohma.'_

"Oh God!"

**A/N: End chapter**


	5. Chapter 5

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Five**

Shuuichi awoke in a hospital bed, Hiro sitting on a chair beside the bed, light blinding his eyes. Groggy, the singer turned his head to face his friend, surprised to see Hiro looking forward, eyes red like he had been crying.

'_What happened?'_ Head killing him, Shuuichi sat up and placed a hand over his eyes to block out the light. '_Someone should really turn that off….'_

"Shuuichi! You're awake!" Hiro noticed his movement and turned to him, eyes wide with relief. What surprised the singer more was when the guitarist hugged him, brought him into a warm embrace.

"Hiro…?"

"Shuuichi…I thought, god, I thought…."

Slowly Shuuichi averted his eyes around the room, noticing where he was by the beeping equipment by his bed.

'_The hospital…but why?'_

"Shuuichi?" Hiro let go of the singer, staring into the shocked eyes of his best friend.

"Hiro, why am I here?"

"You don't remember?"

"I only remember taking two painkillers then nothing."

"Painkillers! Those weren't painkillers you took." Hiro gave him an incredulous look. "I don't know what they were but you overdosed on them when you swallowed them with alcohol. That's why you're here."

"I…overdosed?" Shuuichi stared at Hiro and then looked away, deep in thought. "But I swore they were the painkillers…."

"I can assure you they weren't—the doctor can assure you they weren't. You must have mistaken them for whatever other pills you had on you." Hiro watched as Shuuichi turned back to him, tears in the singer's eyes.

"I…didn't mean to, Hiro. I thought they were just aspirin, I had a headache and my eyes were blurry. I didn't know."

"I believe you, Shuuichi. I know you didn't do it on purpose—you'd have taken more pills than you did." Hiro patted Shuuichi on the back to comfort the singer whose tears streamed down his cheeks.

"God…I can't believe I did that. Lucky you were there to find me, otherwise who knows what would've happened…."

"Don't beat yourself up for it, Shuuichi. You made a mistake, that's all."

"A mistake? A mistake! That's all you call it? Nakano-san!" Fujisaki's voice broke through the air, as the keyboardist stepped toward the bed. "He nearly died!"

"And that's why I don't want to upset him more!" Hiro growled back at Fujisaki, pausing the motion of his hand to turn and glare at the keyboardist. "The last thing we need is for Shuu to be upset."

"No, the last thing we need is for Shindou-san to believe his mistake means nothing—we almost lost him, and would've if I hadn't pressured you to look for him."

"Shut up, Fujisaki. Just shut up."

"No, I won't. I won't remain silent anymore—Shindou-san has to go to rehab, we can't wait for another incident like this, or worse, to happen again."

"Fujisaki…."

"No, if he doesn't go to rehab, I'll quit Bad Luck. I don't care anymore."

"Fujisaki…."

-

Yuki drove his car to the nearest airport, head pounding, heart thumping, the email on his mind. Overdose? How could Shuuichi overdose? Did Seguchi mean an accidental overdose or….

"God, no, don't let it be that. Please, don't let it be that." Yuki sped down the intersection, not caring how fast he went or about the other cars around him. All he wanted was to get to Shuuichi as soon as possible and know he was all right.

Goddamn it that he was on the other side of the world—getting a plane ticket would be impossible on such short notice, especially one that wouldn't be subjected to delays in departure. Goddamn it!

He almost ran into a passing truck, his frustration consumed him so.

"Damn…how….of course, Seguchi." He took out his cell phone and dialed a long unused number.

-

Seguchi didn't know why he sent Yuki the email; he only knew he was as upset about Shuuichi's overdose as either of the singer's band-mates. That's why he sent the email—he did so in a panic, without thinking.

Now that he thought clearly about it, he doubted that Yuki would show up—first the novelist could be anywhere in the world, and second the novelist had given up Shuuichi.

"I was stupid to think Eiri-san would show up. Stupid to think he still cares about Shindou-san. He never asked about him, never once made a remark about him—he probably took one look at the email and deleted it."

Silent now the shacho wistfully stared at the sunlit sky, knowing that the press would be hurrying to get all the news they could on Shuuichi's overdose—whether it was deliberate or accidental and what each could mean, and he didn't care. The press could publish what they wanted—Seguchi was tired of covering up Shuuichi's mistakes.

"Shindou-san, you better…."

His cell phone rang at that moment, his thoughts centered on Shuuichi and the media. At first he ignored it until he realized what tone was playing. After waiting a year for it to ring that tone, now finally it rang—Yuki's tone.

"Hello Eiri." Seguchi answered the phone on the fourth ring, his tone cheery and a smile on his lips.

"Seguchi, I need a favor."

"Eiri-san, after a year of not calling, you call now for a favor? Why I…."

"Quit it Seguchi. You sent the email about Shuuichi."

"E…you mean you're worried about Shindou-san? But I thought you gave him up."

"I did, but your goddamn email has me worried about him and how he's doing."

"Worried? God, Eiri you talk like you still love Shindou-san…."

"Shut up Seguchi. I'm doing about ninety on the thruway going to the airport—the last thing I need is for you to rile me up more."

"Ninety?! Eiri-san, you better slow down! God, the last thing I need is for something to happen to you too."

"Then you better, get your butt in gear and get me a plane ride to Japan." Yuki growled into the phone, before calming down and telling Seguchi where he was. "And make it fast."

"Sure Eiri-san, anything for my favorite brother-in-law." Seguchi waited for Yuki to hang up now that he had what he wanted, but the novelist surprised him by asking:

"So was it an accidental overdose or deliberate?" A soft sound of worry entered Yuki's voice at the question.

"So far as I know, accidental—Shindou-san…took some pills with alcohol and they didn't mix well. He's in the hospital now." Seguchi couldn't be sure, but he thought he heard Yuki say 'thank god' under his breath. "Now you don't have to hurry Yuki, so slow down your driving, okay?"

"Yeah, okay, Seguchi. Bye." Yuki hung up, leaving the shacho with the beep, beep, beep of the dial tone.

"Eiri-san…." Seguchi stared at the phone in disbelief, relief flooding through him as he closed the phone. "Eiri-san's coming back—finally…."

For a moment he had to deeply breathe as tears crowded in his eyes, threatening to fall in his relief. Calming himself he breathed out and then pressed the button on his intercom machine, telling his secretary to set up a private airplane in the airport Yuki specified. Afterwards he opened his cell phone and dialed a number.

"Hello, K-san, I have something for you to do."

**A/N: End chapter. Please review**


	6. Chapter 6

**Gomen ne:**

**Chapter Six:**

"If he doesn't go to rehab, I'll quit Bad Luck, I don't care anymore…"

Shuuichi simply stared at Fujisaki as the keyboardist said those words, his thoughts still on his overdose and how it affected Hiro, barely taking into account the gravity of Fujisaki's words. Not until he heard Hiro speak to the keyboardist did he realize what Fujisaki said.

"Fujisaki, you can't mean that. You can't quit." Hiro said, his tone finally calmed, though he shook from the rage he bottled up. "Seguchi-san won't let you."

"I don't care. I will not play in a band with an alcoholic, drug addict whose only purpose in life seems to be self destruction!"

"Hey!" Shuuichi finally spoke. "I'm not a drug addict! And you're not quitting Bad Luck."

"Oh really? Well the tabloids will say you are once the media finds out what you overdosed on—the doctor told me it wasn't a legal drug." Fujisaki growled out, arms folded across his chest. "And if you don't go to rehab, I will quit Bad Luck. You can't stop me."

"Fujisaki, you'll stay or…."

"Or what? Give me one good reason why I should stay in a band going nowhere, whose alcoholic singer doesn't sing anymore and whose guitarist lets his fear of breaking a friendship overpower what he knows is right." Fujisaki finished by sitting down on a chair on the other side of the room, daring his two band-mates to answer.

Silence pervaded the room as Hiro thought of what to say and Shuuichi merely stared at the keyboardist, head and heart pounding.

"Fujisaki." Shuuichi spoke after five minutes of quiet. "Please don't quit Bad Luck."

"Why shouldn't I? Are you going to agree to rehab?"

"I don't know. I don't know what I want anymore—I only know if you quit Bad Luck nothing will feel right. You've been a part of the band too long to quit. Especially now." Shuuichi nearly whispered, looking down at his bed sheet, unable to meet Fujisaki's eye.

"That's a lie. You've wanted me gone from the start. I know that Shindou-san, you never wanted me in the band in the first place—and I'm tired of dealing with your antics all of the time. Especially during the past year, with you drinking your sorrows away—I'm sorry but I can't stand being in the band anymore."

"Fujisaki…."

-

Pulling into the airport parking-lot, Yuki finally slowed down his driving, stepping out of his car after parking. Calmly he took out a cigarette and lit it, walking through the parking-lot, just loitering around a bit before heading inside. Now that he knew the overdose was accidental, he wasn't as worried about Shuuichi as before. If it had been deliberate….

"If he tried killing himself—it would be because of me he did so." He puffed on his cigarette, collecting that nicotine in his lungs to calm himself down. Slowly, he exhaled, coughing a little bit as he did so. As he coughed, someone came up behind him and placed their hand on his shoulder.

"Easy there, that stuff can kill you."

"…." Yuki glared at the one behind him, his brown eyes taking in the sight of the man with long, blond hair held in a ponytail, and blue eyes.

"You should really quit smoking. Bad for your health."

"…You're the brat's manager. Tohma sent you."

K just grinned and led Yuki to the plane they were to take. Once they were seated in the plane's cockpit, K fired up the engine and off they went, toward Japan.

"You know a lot has changed since you left." K said once they were in the air. "Bad Luck isn't doing too well….Shuuichi….he changed."

"…." Yuki didn't even look at K as he sat with his arms crossed, without his cigarette, his eyes focused on the sky surrounding them.

"Not that you care about the band—but you must care about Shuuichi, going to these lengths to see him so soon after he overdosed."

"…."

"Nothing to say? That's fine, but there's something you should know before you see him."

-

Seguchi arrived at the hospital ten minutes later, making it to the room in time to see his cousin step out of the door and storm down the hall without even glancing at him.

'_I wonder if he told them he's quitting yet again…how many times during the past year has he done that? About eight.'_ Seguchi ignored his cousin and entered the room, not surprised to see Hiro sitting by Shuuichi's bed.

"Seguchi-san! Why are you here?" Hiro asked after glancing at the doorway, his attention on Shuuichi and how the singer was taking Fujisaki's latest break from the band.

"I'm here to see if the lead singer of NG's most troubling band is all right." Seguchi coolly smiled, his eyes gleaming as they stared at Hiro and then to Shuuichi. "I'd like to talk to Shindou-san alone, Nakano-san."

Hiro made no move to leave, remaining by the bed his hand on Shuuichi's shoulder.

"Fujisaki-san just quit."

"I assumed that's why he rushed down the hall like he did. I'll have a talk with him later." Seguchi stepped toward the bed, his smile still on his face though it grew dimmer when Hiro still refused to move.

"Shuuichi doesn't need anymore yelling or bad news—so if you're here to fire him…."

"The thought never crossed my mind, Nakano-san. Now please leave."

"Fine, but if you upset Shuuichi I…." Hiro stood and sauntered over to the door, leaving his threat unspoken but there, hanging on the still air. With one glance back at the shacho and singer, he exited the room.

Seguchi waited until Hiro shut the door before turning to face Shuuichi, smile completely fading from his lips.

"You've really done it this time, Shindou-san—the media has already found out you overdosed, so there's no hiding your problem anymore."

"…god…." Shuuichi lay back against the bed, resting his head on the pillow. "Guess this means you're going to make me go to rehab now."

"No…I'm not here to make you do anything. At least not anything like that." Seguchi stepped closer to the bed, reaching the chair by the side he sat down.

"Seguchi-san…." Shuuichi squirmed a little bit, uncomfortable to have his boss so close to him—sitting next to him like they were friends.

"Shindou-san, I know you and I haven't always seen eye to eye." Seguchi said, his customary smile on his lips as Shuuichi scoffed. "Okay, we've never seen eye to eye, especially about Eiri-san."

"What? Yuki? What about Yuki?"

"Nothing. Nothing yet anyway."

"You know where Yuki is, don't you? I know you know it—you better tell me."

"Or you'll what?" Seguchi grinned wryly as Shuuichi furrowed his eyebrows deep in thought. "There's nothing you could do that'd be a threat to me, Shindou-san. Nothing."

"I won't go to rehab unless you tell me."

"It's up to you whether you go or not. I don't care."

"I'll…I'll…."

Seguchi surprised Shuuichi by sighing and bowing his head down.

"Eiri-san is on his way here as we speak."

"What? Yuki! Why's he coming here? Did you tell him?"

"I emailed him about your overdose and he decided to rush to the nearest airport to come to Japan. He called me to make arrangements to bring him over fast—K's taking care of it as we speak."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I want to warn you not to jump to conclusions—you and Eiri-san are not getting back together." Seguchi stared Shuuichi in the eye, his trademark smile gone from his lips. "I will not allow it."

"Screw you, Seguchi—I won't allow you to dictate mine and Yuki's lives—not anymore." Shuuichi glared at the shacho who chuckled and folded his arms across his chest.

"Fine, but you remember Eiri-san's letter, don't you? The one he left you before he left. There's no way he could ever love you. Remember that, Shindou-san." With that Seguchi stood, walked toward the door and left the room.

**A/N: End chapter, please review.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Seven:**

Shuuichi sat alone in silence for a few minutes after Seguchi left, his thoughts on Yuki's letter and what it meant. Yuki wouldn't love him—couldn't love him, the novelist admitted it in that letter, and yet…Shuuichi hoped it wasn't true; he hoped there was a way to make the novelist love him—the novelist must care about him otherwise why would he rush to make sure the singer was all right?

"Yuki cares about me. I know it." Shuuichi stared across from him, not really caring about the blank whiteness of the wall, or the empty chair by it. Fujisaki's latest break from Bad Luck flew from his thoughts as Seguchi's words sunk in. "Seguchi's back to his old ways—trying to keep me and Yuki apart."

'_But why would he send that email? Why tell Yuki at all?'_

While he thought, Hiro stepped back into the room, frown on his face when he saw his friend staring blankly at the wall.

"What did Seguchi say to you?" Hiro asked, walking toward the bed back to his seat by Shuuichi.

"Oh Hiro." Shuuichi turned at the sound of the voice, brows furrowed in thought still as he recognized his friend Hiro as he sat down on the chair.

"Well what did he say? What did Seguchi tell you?"

"Oh—that….he said Yuki's on his way here."

"What? Yuki-san's coming back? Then why aren't you ecstatic with joy?"

"He also said he won't allow us to get back together."

"So what? That never stopped you before."

"True, but…that letter, Hiro. Yuki's letter when he left—Yuki said he couldn't love me in that letter. If…if he couldn't love me then…what will make him now?"

"He's coming back just to see you…if that's not love then I don't know what is."

"You think so, Hiro?"

"I'm sure of it."

"Um…."

-

After landing in a Japanese airport, Yuki stepped out of the plane and the first thing he did was take out a cigarette and light it. Puffing on the cigarette as he stepped away from the plane, Yuki thought of what K had told him.

'_So the brat's an alcoholic now—all because of me, I bet.'_ He waited as K got out of the plane, inhaling deeply to calm his thoughts. '_I guess that's how he overdosed.'_

"All right, follow me, Yuki-san." K interrupted his thoughts and motioned for him to follow toward a waiting car. "No smoking in the car."

"Sure, whatever." Yuki flicked his cigarette to the ground, stifling a cough as he entered the vehicle and shut the door, waiting for K to enter the driver's side.

"We're sure lucky you decided to come back—maybe now Shuuichi will focus better on Bad Luck." K entered the driver's side of the vehicle and grinned at Yuki, who frowned.

"I think you have the wrong idea, I am not getting back with the brat." Yuki crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the windshield in front of him, brown eyes gleaming in the sunlight.

"Then why visit him at all?"

"…."

-

Fujisaki paced in the restroom, empty except for him, heart pounding as he realized the finality of his decision along with the knowledge that Seguchi wouldn't let him quit.

"Seguchi-san will never let me leave Bad Luck….I tried so many times before and he always made me stay….How will this time be any different?"

"It won't." Seguchi said, standing by the door way, staring straight at Fujisaki. "You're not quitting Bad Luck."

"Seguchi-san, I can't play in that band anymore. I'm sick and tired of it…."

"You know what I told you before, Fujisaki. If even one of the members of Bad Luck quit, Bad Luck with be dropped from NG. You don't want to be responsible for the end of the band, do you, Fujisaki-san?"

"That's no fair—my decision should have nothing to do with the other's right to play at NG."

"That's my ultimatum—either you stay with Bad Luck or the band's finished, and I mean finished, I will not let Bad Luck play under any other label. Nor will I let any of you perform solo under any other label."

"So if I quit, none of us can play music again." Fujisaki sighed, placing his hand on his temple to massage away a headache beginning to form. "That's too much pressure, Seguchi-san. Too much."

"Are you still going to quit, Fujisaki?"

"You leave me no choice but to stay—I'm not being responsible for ending Bad Luck." Fujisaki glanced at Seguchi before turning away and sighing. "I won't quit."

"Good. Now you can go back to Shindou-san and tell him so." Seguchi said, smiling.

Fujisaki silently left the room, heading down the hall thinking.

'_Sometimes I hate you, Tohma.'_

A/N: End chapter please review.


	8. Chapter 8

Gomen ne

Chapter Eight

His long car ride uneventful, Eiri Yuki arrived at the hospital twenty minutes later, Bad Luck's manager leading him through the building. Hand twitching, he repressed the urge to smoke, and instead focused on the sight of K walking ahead of him. He didn't want to focus on Shuuichi, or why he was here, didn't want to think about the brat until he looked him in the eye and saw that he was all right.

'_Stupid, I shouldn't have even come here. Seguchi already told me the brat's all right, why did I even think about coming back?'_

-

"Do you really think Yuki loves me, Hiro? Is that why he's coming to visit me?" Shuuichi pestered the guitarist, shaking from anticipation of his friend's answer.

"I'm certain of it, Shuu. For him to just suddenly come to see if you're all right, after a year of being gone, he must love you." Hiro sat by Shuuichi's bed, running his fingers through the singer's hair in a comforting gesture.

"But will he admit it?" Shuuichi's expression darkened, eyes narrowed. "Will he say he loves me?"

"Does it matter if he says it? His actions are saying it for him." Hiro paused and gazed into Shuuichi's eyes, surprised to see the coldness in them.

'_Do I really want to go back to how it was? With the yelling and the loneliness? Is it worth it to try again, when Yuki won't ever say he loves me?'_

"Shuuichi…."

The door opened and in stepped a familiar face.

-

Though it'd been a year, Yuki half expected the brat to rush up and tackle him with joy, and part of him was dismayed when Shuuichi remained seated on his hospital bed, just staring at him. Seguchi must have told him, since there was no surprise on his face, no hint of anything actually—just a blank stare.

"Hello brat." Yuki spoke first, uncomfortable in the silent stillness of the room—still more uncomfortable was Shuuichi's violet eyes staring at him so dull and lackluster, as though the fire of hope dimmed to nothing. Flicking his gaze away, Yuki turned to the window, looking at the singer out of the corner of his eye. "It's been a while."

"…." Shuuichi struggled against his instinctive urge to tackle the novelist, and instead closed his eyes to the sight of him, shielding his heart from the ache burning within. "Why are you here?"

"…To visit you, brat, what else?" Yuki growled, flicking his eyes once back to Shuuichi before looking back at the window.

"Stop calling me brat." The harshness in Shuuichi's voice shocked Yuki, who turned back to watch the singer.

"I'll call you what I want, brat."

"No you won't, my name is Shuuichi and you will call me by my name or you'll get out." Shuuichi swung his legs to the side of the bed, glaring back to Yuki—the blond now focused on him completely. After a few seconds of shock the novelist spoke.

"I'll do neither, brat. What makes you think you could make me do anything?"

"…." Shuuichi narrowed his eyes some more and stood up on the floor.

"Brat…."

What happened next surprised Hiro and Yuki—Shuuichi storming over to the novelist and punching him as high as he could reach.

"If anyone's a brat it's you, get out." Shuuichi growled, eyes narrowed glaring at the novelist. When the blond remained still, refusing to move, Shuuichi raised his fist again to strike Yuki.

"Shuuichi, no." Hiro appeared at the singer's side, holding his arm back from striking the novelist. A look of surprise on his face, the guitarist held Shuuichi back while Yuki studied the singer, a blank look in his eyes.

"…." Yuki first turned to glance at the window before stepping away from Shuuichi and through the door out of the room.

-

"Shuuichi, what was that for?" Hiro asked once the door shut behind Yuki, relaxing his hold on Shuuichi only when the novelist was safely out of the room.

"I got tired of him calling me brat."

"But I thought you loved him….I thought…."

"I never want to see him again, Hiro. Never again." Suddenly Shuuichi fell to the floor crying, his whole body shaking.

-

Yuki's face remained stoic as he sauntered down the hall, ignoring K's questions, his heart heavy as he thought of the punch and what it meant. The brat hated him—that he understood, but a part of him still grieved for his loss. A part of him had grieved for his loss for the past year—that part of him wished he never left.

"But I couldn't love him…not then….Then there's that other thing." Yuki paused walking and coughed into his hand. Looking at it in dismay with tears in his eyes, the novelist continued down the hall, oblivious to everyone around him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Nine:**

Fujisaki's anger vanished from his thoughts as he saw the novelist storming down the hall, away from Shuuichi's room, concern for his band-mate taking its place. Quickly he went to Shuuichi's door and opened it, not surprised to hear sobs escaping the singer, or to see the singer shaking on the floor.

"Shindou-san…." Fujisaki knelt beside Shuuichi, same as Hiro trying to comfort him as best he could.

"Shuuichi…."

-

**That night:**

Yuki stared at the starry sky, out the window on his hotel room balcony, eyes moist yet blank, a cigarette in his hand.

"I really shouldn't have come here."

"Then why did you?" Seguchi asked, leaning against the balcony door, trademark hat on his head though his lips lacked his usual smile. "Why did you come here? Just to find out if Shindou-san was okay?"

"Shut up, Seguchi. You're the one who got me worried about Shuuichi in the first place, sending me that email. After how long I've been able to deal without him, you had to bring me back into the picture didn't you?" Yuki brought the cigarette to his lips and puffed, the nicotine rushing through him and calming him down. "What game are you playing at now?"

"No game, Eiri, I just wanted you to come back. But honestly I wasn't thinking at all when I sent you that email, I just had a little hope that you'd come back—I knew if anything could bring you back this would."

"…." Yuki continued staring at the sky, the moisture in his eyes fading; once it was completely gone he turned to face Seguchi. "I came back because I thought it was because of me he did that—I thought he'd done it purposely."

"Eiri…"

"And if he had done it purposely, I'd never forgive myself. And if he died….I'd be a murderer again."

"Don't even think that, Eiri-san. It was an accident what Shindou-san went through, you shouldn't blame yourself." Seguchi reached out to Yuki but the writer only stared sadly at him, not really paying attention to the shorter blond's words.

"You know, I really thought, for a second, that he might want me back—I even hoped he'd rush into my arms the moment I walked through the door."

"Eiri-san…."

"It was stupid, I guess, to assume he'd always love me—that his love couldn't break." Yuki glanced once more at the night sky before stepping into the hotel room, cigarette still burning between his fingers. The novelist sighed, passing Seguchi without a word and taking another puff of his cigarette.

"Are you going back there? To the states?" Seguchi followed Yuki back into the hotel room, a wistful smile on his lips.

Yuki only nodded, flicking the ashes of his cigarette on the hotel room floor.

"Are you returning to the same city?"

Another nod, and then the writer sauntered over to a chair and sat eyes cold and distant—deep in thought as he studied Seguchi.

"Is there something you want to tell me, Eiri-san?"

"…." Yuki inhaled on his shrinking cigarette, reached forward to the ashtray on the table and put out his cigarette, all the while keeping his face expressionless. "No."

'_There is something you want to say, Eiri, I know there is….'_ Seguchi bit his lip, the next second flashing his trademark smile at his brother-in-law.

"Well if there is anything you ever want to tell me, you know how to reach me."

"Yeah, sure. Goodbye, Seguchi." 

"Goodbye, Eiri-san." Seguchi stepped to the door, hesitating a moment in opening it and walking out. '_When the time is right he'll tell me.'_

Sighing, he stepped through the door and closed it, leaning against it briefly as he took in a deep breath. His joy over his brother-in-law's return gave way to the dread building up within him—the city Yuki had been living in, that city he must learn everything about. He needed to understand why Yuki picked that city to disappear to and why he was going back there even after Seguchi found him.

"Eiri-san…what are you hiding from me?"

-

Violet eyes staring at the starry night sky, Shuuichi sat alone in Yuki's old apartment—he'd been released from the hospital two hours before. In his hand he held a full wine bottle, with an empty one on the floor by his feet. Eyes blurry from tears he had yet to shed, he drank a gulp from the bottle, hand shaking until the crimson fluid made its way down his throat.

Inhaling then exhaling deeply, he stared into the distance, hating his racing heart and racing thoughts—thoughts all about Yuki.

"Yuki….why did you have to come back, Yuki? I finally accepted we were through, and then you return…are you just trying to torture me?"

"I bet he is." Said a voice behind him, a voice he turned to in disinterest.

"What are you doing here?" Shuuichi looked over his visitor with his violet eyes, taking in the black hair and dark eyes greeting his gaze. "My answer is still no, okay?"

"I…well it doesn't hurt to keep trying…." Silence while his visitor stepped next to him. "That's not why I'm here….I'm here 'cause of the pills you took—those were the ones I gave you, right?"

"You don't need to apologize, Tats, I should've tossed them out beforehand." Shuuichi took another drink from his wine bottle, ignoring the look his visitor gave him.

"Maybe you should cut down on your drinking….I mean, you just got out of the hospital for overdosing—shouldn't you relax your drinking a bit?"

"Screw you, Tatsuha, you're the one who got me started drinking."

"Yeah, and I regret it everyday." The teen answered, grabbing the bottle from the singer's hand and drinking a bit from it. "You can share at least."

Shuuichi grabbed the bottle back from Tatsuha, eyes narrowed, teeth clenched.

"Screw you, Tats. Check the fridge if you want some—this is mine."

"Whatever." Tatsuha mumbled but left for the kitchen anyway, coming back a few minutes later with a six pack of beer in hand. "You're gonna have to restock your fridge soon—this was the only thing in there."

"I get paid tomorrow; I'll buy some wine, beer and sake then."

"But what about food?"

"What do you think take-out's for?"

Tatsuha opened a can of beer and downed about half of it in one gulp, eyes scanning the room with slight interest.

"When are you going to do your laundry? Or do you just keep buying new clothes, too?"

"Just keep buying new clothes…." Shuuichi took a sip from his bottle, walking through the mess to the couch and sitting down. "K takes me out shopping every week."

Tatsuha shook his head and downed the rest of the can. "You do need to clean this place up though."

Shuuichi merely shrugged, taking another gulp of his bottle as Tatsuha opened another can of beer. The teen sitting down next to him on the couch.

"So…I heard my brother visited you in the hospital…."

Shuuichi nodded his head and then stared at his bottle silent, his eyes avoiding looking at Tatsuha.

"Did…did he want…." Tatsuha took a sip of beer as he averted his gaze around the room before resting on Shuuichi. "Did….he want you back…?"

"I don't want him back, so that doesn't matter, Tats." Shuuichi took an extra big drink of wine, his eyes filling with moisture, his gaze focused on the floor. To calm himself down he traced the lines in the floorboard with his eyes, studying each marking on the wood—the ring patterns and the small specks of dust accumulated on the surface.

"Is that so?" Tatsuha placed down his can of beer on the table and stared directly at Shuuichi, eyes gleaming. Deliberately, he brought his hand to the singer's cheek, softly caressing it with his fingertips—he frowned when he felt the tears running down the delicate skin, but didn't pause in his comforting caress.

"Tats…."

"You're beautiful, you know." Tatsuha whispered in Shuuichi's ear, bringing his fingers to the singer's lips, his other hand caressing Shuuichi's pink hair. "Very beautiful."

"Tatsuha…don't…."

The teen only grinned, cupping Shuuichi's chin in his hand as he turned the singer's face toward him.

"Tatsuha….please….."

"I love you, Shuuichi." Tatsuha whispered in a husky voice, bringing his lips to the singer's, silencing Shuuichi's protests. For a moment or two the kiss remained soft and sweet, but gradually grew in passion and daring, with Tatsuha bringing his hand to Shuuichi's chest, under the singer's shirt.

"…." Shuuichi broke the kiss and grabbed Tatsuha's hand. "No, Tatsuha, no."

"Come on, Shuuichi. I promise to be gentle." The teen leaned forward for another kiss, frowning when the singer pushed him away.

"NO! I told you before, I don't want to." Shuuichi pushed Tatsuha off the couch, standing up himself and running from the room. Very quickly, sight blurred by tears, he ran from the room and down the hall, into another room, slamming and locking the door.

His heart pounding, he remained silent listening to his surroundings. He heard a curse and then footsteps coming toward the room—the footsteps stopped in front of the room's door.

"Shuuichi? Are you okay? I'm sorry."

"Go away, Tatsuha. Just leave me alone." Shuuichi's lip trembled as he spoke trying desperately to hold back the tears. "I don't want you."

"I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have pressured you."

"You shouldn't pester me about it, either. Now leave."

"…." Tatsuha sighed and backed away from the door. "Fine. But if you ever change your mind, I'm always here."

Shuuichi listened, keeping his sobs at bay, as Tatsuha stepped away from him, down the hall and out the door. Only then did he cry—cry out in loud sobs, tears flowing down his cheeks.

"Tats…."

'_It's not that I don't want you, you just remind me of Yuki too much.'_

"Yuki…." Shuuichi pulled up his knees to his chest, and sobbed into them, sobbed until he fell asleep, exhausted.

**A/N: End Chapter, please review—I enjoy reading your reviews a lot, they inspire me to write more and more. Chapter ten should be out in three to four days, maybe in two days depending on how inspired I am to continue this story. I have another account on this site that I'm working on as well, and I have over thirty stories on that user. If you want to know the name of my other user tell me in your reviews.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Ten:**

Shuuichi awoke to the quiet of the apartment, his blurry eyes focusing on his surroundings—he gasped when he realized what room he was in.

Yuki's old study.

"Oh god." Shuuichi froze, studying the unchanged room—the laptop still on the desk, the desk and chair in place, each book on the book shelves put away neatly. Everything left in perfect order, waiting for their owner to return. Only a thick layer of dust covering everything proved that things had changed; proved that it'd been a year.

'_Yuki….'_

"Why did I come to this room, damn it." He pulled his knees tighter to his chest, unable to stand and leave the room. His breathing growing rapid and head and heart pounding, he held tightly to his legs to calm his trembling.

'_How am I going to get out of here? I can't move….'_

"Yuki….why did you have to come back? If you cared why did you leave in the first place?"

A knock on the room's door interrupted him, that and the sound of Hiro calling out to him.

"Are you okay, Shuuichi?" Hiro asked on the other side of the door, rattling the doorknob in his effort to open it.

"No, Hiro—I can't move. I want to leave, but I can't move…." Shuuichi said trembling, tears sliding down his cheeks.

"Shuuichi…."

-

Yuki sat on his hotel room's couch, staring at the blank television screen—cursing himself for rushing back to Japan. He hated Japan, hated it with a passion, and wished he hadn't felt the need to return.

"Stupid brat, why did you have to overdose? Why did Seguchi have to email me about it?"

'_And why did I react like I did? Does this mean I do still care?'_

Yuki turned his gaze to the floor, holding a hand over his mouth to stifle a cough, his eyes gleaming with moisture.

'_Why wasn't he glad to see me? Why didn't he run into my arms the moment he saw me? Doesn't he still love me?'_

"Shuuichi…." Yuki removed his hand and stared at his palm, allowing the tears stream down his cheeks—a few specks of blood marred his skin from his cough, little but enough. "How…how can I tell you…the true reason I ran away? That I have…."

-

"Cancer…." Seguchi gasped on the phone, listening to the person on the other end. "Eiri-san has cancer?"

"Yes, of the lungs." Said the person on the other end. "He's been seeing numerous doctors over the past year, all located in Buffalo, NY."

"The city Roswell Part Cancer Institute is located…." Seguchi breathed, his hand that held the phone trembling. "….How bad is it? What stage is the cancer in?"

"That I couldn't find out—but it appears not very bad since neither chemo nor radiation have been used yet in his case."

"Thank you for the information. If you get anything else, please call me back." With that Seguchi hung up the phone, and stared at his desk, hands clasped on it. "Eiri-san…."

'_Either it's not bad or Eiri is refusing treatment.'_

"Goddamn it."

"Is Tohma feeling sad, na no ka?" Came Ryuuichi's voice from the doorway. "It's not good to be cooped up in an office all day, na no da." The door opened all the way and in stepped the singer.

Brown hair falling over a red bandana tied around his forehead, blue eyes sparkling with interest, Ryuuichi stood by the door for a few seconds, studying Tohma before hopping over to the blond's desk.

"I came to cheer you up, na no da!" Ryuuichi grinned brightly, crouching down by the desk, Kumagoro sitting on his head, his eyes gleaming cutely at the shacho.

"Ryuuichi…." Seguchi sighed. "I'm sorry, but will you please leave. I have a phone call I need to make…."

"But Tohma, you just got done using the phone…." The singer whined, grabbing Kumagoro from his head and holding him in front of his mouth, his cutest pouting expression on his face.

"Ryuuichi, I really need to make this phone call, why don't you go find Noriko to play with?"

Ryuuichi whined some more, but slinked away at the expression on Seguchi's face—not that it was harsh, there was his trademark smile on his lips, but it was a smile that wouldn't tolerate any dissension. A smile the shacho showed only when truly upset or determined.

"Okay, I'll see what Noriko's doing, na no da. Bye, bye, Tohma." Ryuu waved to Seguchi with Kumagoro in his hand and then left through the door, making sure to close it on his way out.

Humming a song as he sauntered down the hallway, Ryuu swung Kumagoro around a bit before stopping and glancing back at his friend's door.

"I really should find out why he's so upset….what do you think, Kumagoro?"

He looked at the plush intently, his eyebrows furrowing in thought.

"Do you think so, Kumagoro? You think it has something to do with Shuuichi? Or maybe Yuki?" He paused and bit his lip, his blue eyes sparkling with thoughts. "I did hear him say something about Eiri-san before I opened the door….Maybe he knows something about Eiri Yuki-san…."

Suddenly an odd gleam came to his eyes as the childish nature vanished, replaced by his mature singer self, serious and competent.

"If it is something about Eiri Yuki, then Shuuichi should find out about it, Tohma shouldn't keep it a secret." With that Ryuu snuck back to his friend's door and sat down next to it, ear pressed against the wood, listening to the voices on the other end.


	11. Chapter 11

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Eleven**

"Eiri-san, what you are saying is insane." Seguchi nearly screamed into the phone. "You're refusing treatment? Are can you be so careless?"

"Screw you, Seguchi, I'll do what I like, it's not your decision to make."

"But don't you care what could happen to you if you don't get treatment? Cancer is serious, you could die."

"I can die even with treatment."

"But…but…Eiri-san, please seek treatment, think about what will happen to your family if you succumbed to this…this illness. How heart broken they will be, how heart broken I will be." Seguchi lowered his tone, his sadness heard in the tremble of his voice. "Please Eiri, seek treatment."

"Giving me a guilt trip won't work, Seguchi. I'm not going in for treatment, and that's final." With that Yuki hung up, tossing his cell phone across the room in frustration. He knew Seguchi would find out eventually, but he hadn't thought it'd be this soon. At least not until he got back to the states.

Staring where the phone landed, he picked a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and took one out of it. Lighting it up, he groaned as his cell phone rang again, knowing by the tone that it was once again Seguchi.

"Stupid, I'm not going to answer."

The ringing persisted for two minutes, giving the novelist a headache and an earache—finally stopping at the point where Yuki was going to throw the cell out the window.

"Finally."

-

Ryuu stared shocked at his friend's closed door—the yelling had died down, so did the calm voice of the blond. Silence only greeted him for a few minutes, and during that time he hurried away, anxious to leave before Tohma found out he'd been listening.

"Oh God, Kumagoro….I never heard Tohma so upset before…." Ryuu mumbled and held the plush close to his chest when he found a quiet place to sit down, far away from his friend's office.

'_But who could blame him? From what I understood of the conversation, Eiri Yuki-san has cancer….cancer….'_

"Kumagoro, Shuuichi should really know about this. I should tell him." Ryuu stood, still holding his plush, hand trembling even as his expression grew serious and determined, cobalt eyes vibrant and mature. "I will tell him."

The brown haired singer glared back down the hall, at the shacho's door, and turned away, stalking down the hall, determination shining in his blue eyes.

-

"Shuu, you need to try to move. I can't open the door unless you unlock it." Hiro spoke gently to the singer from behind the door, his heart pounding with worry.

"Hiro, I can't." Shuuichi whined, still sitting on the floor, knees held against his chest, cheeks wet from silent tears. '_Oh god, this room…why did I run to this room?_' "I can almost hear the tapping of Yuki typing…." He whispered gasping for breath as the spoken thought made the imagining more vivid.

God, he could almost see Yuki on that chair typing away, scowl on his face. The lightness of his blond hair, the glowing of his light brown eyes—Yuki's very presence Shuuichi felt in the room, at the chair. His eyes kept straying from the floor to Yuki's old chair, never looking fully at the chair, instead getting just a piece of view at the dust covered seat.

"Shuuichi…?"

The singer's thoughts faded away each time his eyes averted to the chair, each moment his illusion of his lover sitting in that chair growing more vivid, more real. His heart pounding with every glance, he bit his lip to keep his mind focused, attuned to Hiro's voice instead of the hallucination forming in front of him.

But god, he could now really hear the tap, tap, tapping of the keys, the sighs and scoffs of his lover—even the sound of Yuki puffing on a cigarette he could hear.

"God, Yuki….quit it…." He whimpered and hid his face in his arms, struggling against looking at the chair fully—even to prove the illusion wasn't real. Somewhere in his heart he hoped it was. "Quit haunting me….please…."

'_Brat….Damn brat….'_

"Quit it. Quit it." He clasped his hands over his ears to drown out the sound, a sound solely in his mind though it seemed to him to be out loud. "Just stop!" He closed his eyes tight, blocking out everything with the swirling darkness behind his eyelids.

A complete darkness soon engulfing him in its claw, strangling out all light.

**End Chapter: Please Review**


	12. Chapter 12

**Sorry it took so long to update this fic, I got stuck at a certain part and couldn't figure out how to continue—anyway, I hope you like this chapter and please review when you're done. I'll try to write the next chapter sooner, but I can't make any promises.**

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Twelve**

Seguchi stared at the phone in his hand, his fingers clasped tightly around the dark plastic, and his eyes gleaming.

"Eiri-san."

-

When Shuuichi awoke he was on the couch in the living room, Hiro staring down at him, eyebrows wrinkled with worry and lower lip trembling.

"Shuuichi!" Hiro's eyes widened as the singer moved and opened his eyes. "You're awake!"

"Hiro…how…." Shuuichi sat up, placing his hand to his pounding head, and glancing around at his surroundings. "How did you get me out of that room?"

"Oh, Sakuma-san came around and between us we were able to force the door open—that door will need replacing now." Hiro said, his voice calm but shaky, the hand he put on Shuuichi's shoulder shaking as well.

"….Oh…." Shuuichi winced at the pain in his head. "Wait….Sakuma-san's here? Why?"

"Because I'm your friend, na no da." Ryuuichi popped up from behind the couch, leaning down and smiling at the pink haired singer.

"Whoa…Sakuma-san…hi." Shuuichi couldn't help but smile at the cheerfulness of his idol—and his idol saying they were friends….no one could imagine how happy he was, so much happier than he'd been just before he blacked out.

"How many times do I have to tell you to call me Ryuu?"

"Oh, okay, Ryuu-san."

"No, not Ryuu-san, just plain Ryuu." Ryuuichi stared down at the younger singer, his cobalt eyes gleaming.

"Oh…R…Ryuu." Shuuichi gazed up into his idol's eyes, his heart pounding, cheeks turning red. "Why….why did you…come here….anyway?"

"I'm your friend, na no da. I wanted to see if you were okay." Ryuu beamed, a wide smile on his lips, though after a moment his smile vanished as he watched Shuuichi stand and stretch.

"It's nice of you to check on me—I'm fine now though…."

"You're not fine, Shuu." Hiro said, grabbing hold of the pink haired singer and staring him in the eye. "You passed out and were out for around ten minutes—and that's not counting the time you were alone in the study."

"I'm fine, Hiro. Really, I am." Shuuichi shrugged off his friend's grip.

"No, you're not—something's wrong, I know it is."

"I said I'm fine."

Before Hiro could respond Ryuuichi pushed himself between them and spoke.

"Please, no arguing you two. There's something I need to tell Shuuichi." All his naiveté gone Ryuuichi's bright blue eyes shone, almost glaring at Shuuichi and Hiro.

"What…what is it, Saku—Ryuu?" Shuuichi asked gazing into his idol's face, finding himself drawn and drowning in those cobalt eyes.

"It's about Yuki-san. I overheard Tohma talking to him on the phone…."

-

Ten minutes later found Shuuichi dashing out of the apartment, running away from what he'd heard.

His Yuki…couldn't have cancer…just couldn't!

As he rushed down the sidewalk, his breathing heavy, fingers clenched into his palms, he blocked out the shouts from his friends to stop—blocked out everything except his thoughts.

'_Yuki, cancer…no….my Yuki….'_ Breathing in a painful breath, his eyes closed tightly against the wind pushing him as he ran, he bit his lip, rushing until he tripped on the sidewalk. Falling to his knees, he hit the ground with one fist and then the other—oblivious to all onlookers.

"Damn, my Yuki's in danger….he's…."

'_Wait, _my_ Yuki? No, he's no longer mine….'_ Shuuichi opened his eyes, tears forming in them. _'Yuki…why did you leave me? Why?'_

"Yuki…." He hit the concrete with his fist again, this time breaking the skin on his knuckles, causing them to bleed. The urge to drink his sorrows and angst away drew upon him, along with memories of the past year.

_The day after Yuki left, after he shown the letter to his friends with tears gushing from his eyes—wanting their reassurances that the novelist would return. God—that day had gone by fast, with him still cradling the hope that his lover would come back, that the novelist's trip or whatever would end soon. How mistaken he'd been._

_Three months after Yuki left—that day, a sunny bright day, yet dreary to his mind, past with his depression growing worse, though he hid it behind a cheerful mask. That day he realized the novelist wouldn't come back on his own—he had to search for him. And he met the challenge with all his remaining energy, despite protests from his band-mates and Seguchi that it interfered with his work with the band._

_Five months after Yuki left—lacking his energy and 'sparkle' as his idol put it, Shuuichi crouched on the floor of his lover's apartment and cried all day and night, refusing to eat or sleep, or to have company. His searches all bore no fruit, not a single clue of Yuki's whereabouts did he find, and though he continued his search, Seguchi stopped helping, finally telling him to give up on finding the novelist. Shuuichi cried his anguish and frustration that day and the next—all week, for nearly a month—until…_

_The sixth month after Yuki disappeared—two things happened, both involving a certain black haired monk. Tatsuha came over, desperate to change things—and he did, he brought a keg of beer over, plus money to buy more if they needed more. And for the first time since Yuki left, Shuuichi truly drowned his troubles away with alcohol—all night long and into the morning, passing out after the sun arose in the east._

_Because Shuuichi seemed to loosen up when drunk, Tatsuha brought over alcohol everyday, determined to get the singer back to his old self, even if it meant getting him drunk. But…but that hadn't been the monk's only intention. Shuuichi found that out one night when the monk came onto him, taking advantage of the singer's drunkenness to seduce him. Succeeding too, by pretending to be Yuki, Tatsuha succeeded in his ambition._

_That shock, that he cheated on Yuki, caused Shuuichi to fall into depression more deeply than before—and he quaffed down alcohol—beer, wine, sake, anything, to drown out the hurt and shame he felt. And though he eventually forgave Tatsuha, he never forgave himself._

_Finally, on the year anniversary of Yuki's departure, when he finally gave up on finding Yuki, succumbing more into his addiction, the novelist had to return._

"Damn you, Yuki. Why now?" Shuuichi cursed at the pavement, hitting the ground again as he let the tears fall from his now squeezed shut eyes. "Why come back now? After being gone so long…why now?"

He remained kneeling and crying even as Ryuu and Hiro caught up to him, concerned expressions on their faces. Together they picked up their friend and brought him home, the pink haired singer crying himself into unconsciousness, muttering Yuki's name over and over.

**A/N: End Chapter**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Sorry about how long it took to update—I just had too much stuff going on and I didn't have access to my computer for the past few weeks.**

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Thirteen:**

Stepping out into the hallway, his blond hair wild from towel-drying, Yuki paused a moment outside the bathroom door. His light brown eyes glinted in the darkness of the lightless hallway, surveying each shadow as if it held a surprise. For a second, he thought he saw a form in the shadows, but he quickly dismissed that thought as being paranoid.

For the past year he always saw figures in the darkness, clinging to the walls, always—ever since he left the brat he'd seen visions of the pink haired bundle hiding in every corner.

"Damn brat." He muttered and took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. Picking one out of the pack, he placed it between his lips and groped around in his pockets for his lighter. When his search came up empty, he growled and then remembered he placed his lighter on the table by the couch.

Sighing, cigarette still in his mouth, he sauntered down the hall to the room with the couch and television, each step taken in the darkness with him cursing the light-switch's location in the hall—the switch was right by the room he headed to, not very useful to him now.

Reaching that room within moments, he flipped on the light for the room, relieved that he didn't have to walk across the room for that light-switch. The light switched on, and he raised his hand over his eyes to tone down the brightness blinding him. One more thing for him to hate—the time of adjustment from seeing in the dark to seeing in the light.

Once his eyes adjusted themselves, he stepped to the table by the couch, eyeing his lighter with a manic glint in his eyes. He picked it up and flipped it open within a second, lighting his cigarette with the flame the next second.

He sighed again, this time with relief, but the next moment, when he inhaled on the cigarette, a cough whelmed up in his throat. A violent cough where his cigarette flew from his mouth onto the hardwood floor.

His hand clasped over his mouth while he coughed, coughing up a warm substance he felt on his fingers. When his coughing fit passed and he moved his hand from his mouth, he saw that it was blood.

He only eyed his hand a moment before wiping it off on the couch, and picking up his cigarette, not in time to prevent a burn mark from forming in the wood.

Attention transfixed on the black charred mark, his mind wandered back through the year, back to the day he left.

'_Sleeping after pulling an all-nighter to finish his current novel, Yuki awoke to the phone ringing. Opening his blurry eyes to look at the clock, he groaned to see it said nine o'clock—he hadn't gotten to bed until seven that morning, two hours of sleep wasn't enough. Cursing, he laid in bed, listening to the phone ringing, eyes falling close again once the ringing stopped._

_His peace was short lived, the next moment the answering machine kicked in and he heard the message left on the apartment phone._

"_Uesugi-san, this is the hospital about your test results, it's…it's urgent that you return this message ASAP. Again this is the hospital about the results to the tests you had done a few weeks ago…"_

_Before the message ended Yuki was at the phone answering it, heart pounding from rushing and anticipation._

"_Uesugi here." He said into the phone, hoping he wasn't too late in answering it. He almost sighed in relief when he heard the voice answer. "Yes, what were the results?"_

_Immediately he drew in a breath, eyes widening as he listened to the voice on the other end._

"_Are you sure? The tests confirm it?" He muttered into the phone, hoping there was some mistake. _

"_Yes, they do. I regret having to inform you, Uesugi-san…."_

_He didn't listen to the rest of the speaker's words, instead he hung up, his mind buzzing with thoughts.'_

Yuki leaned back against the wall, remembering what the voice over the phone said—that he had cancer.

His cigarette stood forgotten between his fingers, its ashes falling to the floor. He remembered what he did next—

_Frustrated, he went to his study, found the manuscript he finished typing, and threw it to the wall, scattering the pages all over the floor. Next he sat down in his chair, and stared blankly at the wall, his eyes trailing from the mess of papers on his floor to his desk and laptop._

_The next moment found him switching the laptop on, and then typing up a letter. His letter to Shuuichi. His goodbye letter._

"Shuuichi…." He felt the cigarette burning close to his fingers, but he ignored it, his heart heavy and eyes moist. "I shouldn't have left….I shouldn't have."

He slid down to the floor, staring now at the cigarette between his fingers. Angrily he crushed the thing with his hand, putting it out and burning his palm.

"I shouldn't have left—I shouldn't!" Here he made a fist, and slammed it on the floor, right where he dropped the crushed cigarette. He thought of seeing the brat on that hospital bed, how devoid his violet eyes looked, how expressionless his face. "I'm sorry, Shuuichi. I'm sorry."

**A/N: End Chapter**


	14. Chapter 14

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Fourteen**

Running cold water over the cigarette burn mark on his palm, Yuki glared at it before taking out his pack of cigarettes. Removing his hand from the running water, he placed the pack under the faucet, soaking the cigarettes before tossing them out.

"No more. I'm not running away anymore." He turned off the faucet and walked to the front door of the hotel room. Grabbing his coat and putting it on, he opened the door and stepped out.

-

Shuuichi awoke to find himself on the couch in the apartment, with Ryuuichi sitting in front of it, face turned toward the TV. A blank scene stared back at him, so Shuuichi knew his idol wasn't watching TV.

"Ryuu?"

"Shuuichi." Ryuu turned to face the pink haired singer. "Do you still love Yuki-san?"

"I…Why would you ask me a question like that?" He swallowed and stared into the deep blue eyes of his idol, unused to seeing Ryuu's serious side.

"Well, do you?" Ryuuichi ignored the pink haired man's question and stared deep into Shuuichi's violet eyes, searching for his answer within them.

Drowning in his idol's cobalt eyes, Shuuichi thought back to when Yuki visited him in the hospital, how cold the blond acted even then. Then he thought of his struggles through the past year, and all his problems before that—he thought back to when Yuki used to throw him out of the apartment, used to belittle him and make him feel horrible. All the abuse he suffered from Yuki's words—he couldn't possibly say yes.

"I don't know, Ryuu. I don't know." Shuuichi felt the tears well up in his eyes and then drip down his cheeks. "I just don't know."

"It's okay." Ryuu whispered and placed his hand on Shuuichi's head. "It's okay."

"No, it won't ever be okay. Why…? Why did Yuki have to return? Why now? I finally accepted he was gone, now he's back. Why?" A sob escaped Shuuichi's throat, and he craved for a drink to calm himself. "Why didn't he tell me he had cancer? Was that why he left? Why didn't he think I could handle hearing the truth?"

"Shuuichi, it's all right to be upset. But you can't stay upset forever. You have to decide." Ryuu caressed Shuuichi's hair, running his fingers through it.

"Decide what?"

"If you want Yuki-san back or not."

Shuuichi frowned and gazed down at the floor, his body quivering from crying.

"I don't know. I don't know if I want him back or not. All I know is I don't want to be alone anymore."

"You'll never be alone, Shuuichi." Ryuuichi leaned in closer to him, lifting Shuuichi's head up to gaze deeper into his eyes. "I'm here. I'll never leave you alone."

"Ryuu…."

"I love you, Shuuichi." Ryuuichi leaned down close enough where his lips brushed against Shuuichi's.

"Hey in there." Hiro's voice boomed from the kitchen. "Sakuma-san, lunch's ready. Is Shuuichi up?"

"Yep, he's awake, na no da!" Ryuuichi shouted back, standing up quickly and backing away from Shuuichi, changing to his normal, hyper self before Shuuichi could blink. "What did you make for lunch, Hiro-kun? Something yummy, na no ka?"

Ryuuichi disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Shuuichi alone to ponder what the blue eyed singer said.

"Ryuuichi loves me? Ryuu…."

"Hey! Shuuichi! Do you want some yummy spaghetti and meatballs too?" Ryuuichi peeked back into the living-room, beaming a smile at Shuuichi as though everything was normal, as though he hadn't just confessed his love for the pink haired singer.

"Huh? Yeah, sure." Shuuichi sat up on the couch, still dazed by his idol's confession. _'I'll ask him about it later.'_

-

Yuki exited the taxi, stepping out in front of his old apartment. His blond hair swaying in a slight breeze, he eyed his driveway with interest—all three of his expensive, foreign made cars were still parked on the asphalt, along with a motorcycle. He narrowed his eyes at the motorcycle—that meant Shuuichi had company.

He stood in front of the apartment long after the taxi left; just gazing up at his windows, hesitant now that he knew someone else was in the apartment with Shuuichi. Since it was a motorcycle in his driveway, he knew it had to be either Shuuichi's friend Hiro, or Tatsuha.

He hoped it wasn't his brother—he didn't feel like having to explain his long absence to his family yet. It was bad enough that Tohma found out about his cancer, he didn't want the rest of the family knowing.

Only Shuuichi. He had to tell Shuuichi why he left, and he had to make it up to him for being gone so long. If the brat forgave him then he could set his life back to normal; if he didn't…that didn't matter, the brat was guaranteed to forgive him, right?

Hesitating no longer, he stepped up to the door, placed his hand on the doorknob and turned the knob, releasing his breath when he found the door locked.

"Terrific and I left the key in Buffalo."

He sighed and looked up at the sky as though it held the answer to his problems.

"Fine." He mumbled and pressed the doorbell button.

-

Shuuichi froze when he heard the doorbell, halfway through his second plate of spaghetti.

"Who could that be?" He heard Hiro mumble as the guitarist walked out of the kitchen toward the front door.

'_I should answer it, not Hiro. But what if it's Tatsuha? Or Seguchi? I don't think I could deal with either of them right now.'_ Shuuichi stared down as his plate, suddenly without an appetite.

"What are you doing here?" He heard Hiro's shocked question even though he couldn't hear the answer to it. "He doesn't need anymore problems to deal with, so leave."

'_Who's Hiro talking to, to be so rude? Is it Tatsuha? There's anger in his voice….'_ Shuuichi stood up and walked toward the living-room, he barely made it to the kitchen doorway when he heard:

"Get out of my way, this is my apartment."

"Yuki…."

**A/N: End chapter. Please review. I'll try to update sooner next time—at least you didn't have to wait too long for this chapter. **


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Sorry about taking so long to update—every time I had time to write, I couldn't think of any ideas. I'll try real hard next time to update sooner.

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Fifteen**

A thousand thoughts swam through Shuuichi's mind as he heard Yuki's familiar voice break through the still air. He froze, barely even breathing as his ex-lover argued with his best friend. He had to stop them before either one of them did something drastic, had to stop it before the argument escalated any further but he couldn't move.

He felt his body shaking, his heart pounding, tears of frustration welling at the corners of his eyes; then the slight gesture of a hand on his shoulder tore him away from his irrational fear. He looked toward the hand on his shoulder, and his violet eyes met cobalt ones.

Ryuuichi's gaze overwhelmed him with its intensity, but it pushed his thoughts of Yuki away.

"It'll be okay." Ryuuichi spoke, removing his hand the next second, his eyes drawing in the younger man.

'_Ryuu._' Shuuichi wanted to speak, but his lips and tongue failed to move, instead he whispered it in his mind. '_Do you really love me?'_

Tears welling again in his eyes, Shuuichi turned away from his idol's gaze, and backed away when Ryuu reached out to touch him. He slipped away toward the fridge, ignoring the argument between Yuki and Hiro, ignoring Ryuu's questioning stare.

Opening the fridge, Shuuichi took out a can of beer, opened it and quaffed down its bitterness. Finished in less than a minute he took out another one, and quaffed that one down too; He was on his way to a third one when Ryuu stepped up to him and took the can out of his hand, leading him away from the fridge.

"That won't help."

Shuuichi glanced at Ryuu then to the fridge and then back to Ryuu and burst into tears.

Yuki and Hiro froze when they heard Shuuichi crying, his sobs silencing their argument. Forgetting Yuki, Hiro rushed to see what was wrong, and found Shuuichi in Ryuu's arms tears streaming down his face, choking sobs escaping his throat.

"Shuuichi….what….?"

Walking into the kitchen doorway, Yuki paused and stared, his heart hurting seeing the pink haired singer crying, yet he remained silent. He wanted…to reach out and hold Shuuichi in his arms, to brush away his tears and quiet his sobs. But his feet remained firmly planted where he stood, his arms hanging stiffly at his sides.

"Shuuichi, it's okay…it's all right. Shu…."

"I don't want to see him, Hiro, I don't want to see him." Shuuichi's voice broke through his sobbing, the singer looking at the redhead with tear-blurred eyes before turning into Ryuuichi's chest and holding onto the older singer as though life depended on it.

"Don't worry, you don't have to…." Hiro reassured his friend, the next second glaring at Yuki, his words readable on his face: they screamed 'Get Out', to the novelist.

Feeling the younger singer struggling to remain standing as he cried, Ryuuichi lowered himself and Shuuichi to their knees, keeping the pink haired man close to his chest. Unlike Hiro he never took his eyes off Shuuichi, even though the impulse rushed through him to yell at the novelist standing in the doorway.

Yuki ignored Hiro and Ryuu, his eyes focused on Shuuichi crying; finally he stepped forward, gaining a scalding look from Hiro, while Ryuuichi pulled Shuuichi tighter into his embrace.

"Shuuichi." Yuki paused, waiting for a response from the singer, ignoring Hiro's glare and shaking fist. "Shuuichi, I…."

"…go away…." Shuuichi whispered, still not looking at the novelist, his body trembling.

"Shuuichi…."

"Leave me alone."

"I'm sorry, Shuuichi." Yuki spoke softly, his voice nearly a whisper. He waited a few minutes, satisfied when the crying stopped. "I'm sorry, Shuuichi, I'm sorry for leaving."

Silence now, while Shuuichi finally turned his head to face the blond, cheeks shiny from tears. He gave Yuki a blank look, so similar to the one he gave in the hospital that Yuki felt his heart grow heavy.

"Sh…."

"Is that all you've got to say?" Shuuichi's voice came out cold, devoid of any warmth, not even anger, just bitterness.

"I…."

"You think a simple sorry will suffice? You think that all I've been through this past year will vanish from a simple 'I'm sorry, Shuuichi'?" He gave a wry chuckle, standing up with Ryuuichi's support, his eyes narrowing at Yuki. "It won't. Nothing, nothing can make up for it."

"I love you, Shuuichi."

Shuuichi felt his heart jump and his words lodge in his throat. His eyes closed and he swallowed, silence following for a minute. When he spoke again his voice had a harsh, biting tone to it.

"Get out."

Yuki's head snapped back at the viciousness in the command, his surprise apparent on his face.

"Shuu…."

"You don't love me—the only one you love is your precious Kitazawa." Shuuichi spat the name as though it left a bad taste on his tongue.

Yuki's eyes widened a fraction and for the first time since he stepped into the kitchen he averted his eyes from his ex-lover.

"I hate you, Yuki. I hate you. Just leave me alone." Shuuichi broke down again and fell to his knees, sobbing into his hands.

"Brat…." The novelist stepped closer, his eyes narrowed in frustration—this wasn't how it was supposed to go, Shuuichi was supposed to be in his arms by now.

"Don't—call—me—that." Shuuichi growled through gritted teeth, his sobs stopping, his fists clenched.

"Shuuichi."

"You're an idiot, Yuki. And a jerk. You think you can waltz right in here after a year, say you're sorry and we'll be together again? Ha!" Shuuichi got back to his feet, eyes narrowed nearly to slits. "It won't work. IT WON'T WORK! You love Kitazawa, not me…damn you. DAMN YOU! If Kitazawa means so much to you, I wish you had died with him!"

Yuki felt his heart stop at those words, his hands shaking, he brought his eyes up to look at Shuuichi, but his light brown orbs blurred with tears. Nodding his head once he turned and walked out of the room, continuing on through the apartment to the front door, holding his tears back as he passed through the doorway.

A/N: End Chapter


	16. Chapter 16

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Sixteen**

"_If Kitazawa means so much to you, I wish you died with him!"_

Violet eyes stared at the blank white ceiling, staring from a body lying on a comfortable bed, on top the covers. Pink locks of hair crashed onto the pillow as the body turned, shivering, toward the window. Hollow orbs gazed at the closed, clear glass, watching, numbly, the trees swaying in the outside wind.

His life over the past year felt tornado-like, twirling and rushing—if it had been a tornado, he now was in the calm eye; the center of that hectic wind-maelstrom. Or was this just the calm before the storm?

"I shouldn't have said that to Yuki. I shouldn't…." He blinked his eyes and breathed in, then out. "I can't go back to how it was."

He heard the door open, and he calmed his actions to just breathing, not moving—not even a muscle spasm. After a few seconds the door closed, and after five minutes he changed position; lying once again on his back and sighing.

"I knew you weren't sleeping."

His heart pounded at that voice, he barely dared to look, to see who it was. Heart blasting against his chest, he turned his head to the door taking in his visitor's appearance.

-

Yuki walked until he reached a deserted alley; he stepped onto it and leaned against the wall of a building, hidden in the shadow.

'…_I wish you died with him!'_

"Shuuichi, did you really mean that?" Tears dripped unnoticed down his cheeks, his eyes staring unseeing at the wall across from him. "Damn it." He slammed his fist against the wall he leaned against. "Why did I leave?"

-

"Tatsuha, why are you here?"

"Hiro told me what just happened—between you and bro." Tatsuha flipped on the room light, illuminating him and Shuuichi.

"That happened just ten minutes ago—no way you could just show up here that quickly. Besides, Hiro would never call you about me." Shuuichi turned away from Tatsuha, his expression blank, eyes dull.

"Okay, I was on my way here to see you anyway, he told me when I got in." He sighed and leaned his back against the door, his eyes cast to the hardwood floor. "It shocked me seeing bro leaving here—I rushed in when he left the vicinity."

"I'm not getting back together with him, everything would be as it was if I did. I won't be able to live like that. Not anymore."

"Shuuichi…." Tatsuha looked up, moving a step toward the pink-haired man lying with his back to him.

"I'm not hooking up with you either, Tatsuha. Sorry."

"I guess that's too much to hope for, after what I did."

"Not that…you just remind me of Yuki." Shuuichi felt tears fall from his eyes, his hand clenching the sheet, his heart drumming in his chest.

"Then who? You won't heal until you enter a new relationship…even if it's not anytime soon…." Tatsuha stepped next to the bed and placed his hand on Shuuichi's shoulder to pull him so they'd be face to face. The black-haired monk brought his hand to Shuuichi's cheek, wiping the tears away.

"Ryuuichi…confessed his love for me."

Tatsuha's hand halted its movements.

"…He did? That's…."

"And…" Shuuichi inclined his head toward the window, his expression brightening a shade, though still wistful. "I think I could be happy with him."

Tatsuha removed his hand and looked away, looking back when he heard Shuuichi move on the bed.

"Tatsuha…?"

"That's…good, I guess." Tatsuha said, placing his hands in his pockets and upturning his lips. "I guess you should be alone to think about it. Or to rest up, or something." He turned, stepping toward the door; he paused when Shuuichi sighed.

"Gomen ne, Tats. Gomen ne."

-

Head pounding after hitting it against the building wall a few times, Yuki sank to his knees and then sat down, a dribble of blood falling from his forehead. Headlights blinded him as a car entered the alley, stopping next to him. He gazed on at the vehicle, noting its appearance, but the pain swimming in his head blocked off his thinking process. The door to the car opened and out stepped Tohma.

"Eiri-san."

Yuki stared at Tohma dimly, his expression not changing as his friend knelt in front of him, asking if he was okay. He submitted docilely as Tohma lifted him to standing and led him to the back seat of the car.

"Eiri-san, I'm here now—everything will be all right." Tohma smiled, buckled Yuki in, and then got into the driver seat—only then did his smile waver; a tremble betraying his calm demeanor.

-

Twenty minutes passed as Tatsuha rode his motorcycle to his favorite club, his anger spent speeding through the streets. Parking in the back parking lot, away from other vehicles, he stormed across the asphalt and through the back door.

"Hello Tats." The owner waved to him as he passed through the hall, smiling until he saw Tatsuha's expression. "What's wrong? You need a drink?"

"What I need is a shotgun so I can shoot someone." Tatsuha struck the wall with his fist, then leaned against it, facing the club owner. "God, I do need that drink."

"The reservation room is empty, go there and I'll send up your favorite."

Tatsuha nodded, breathed out and headed to the reservation room; opened and closed the door, and stood in darkness for a while. Fists clenched to the point of pain, he closed his eyes, breathing for calmness.

"Fuck!" He shouted, and kicked an empty wastebasket near the door. "That…that…Ryuuichi's mine, and he…." He stormed to the table, and leaned against it. "Ryuuichi confessed his love…that's…fucked."

A knock on the door and in stepped a waitress with his drink; she shut the door softly and sashayed to the table, placing down the drink.

"Is there anything else you want, Tatsuha-san?" She smiled and leaned toward him, trailing her fingers along his arm.

"Not right now, I'm not in the mood." Tatsuha sighed and sat down, then grabbed the drink. He took a gulp of it, then another, before he placed it back down and covered his face with his hands from frustration.

"What's wrong, Tats-san?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Just leave." He glared at her when she hesitated, his expression scaring her into backing away. Politely she smiled and bowed, and then left the room. Tats waited until he heard her footsteps die down in the distance before he sighed and lifted the drink back to his lips. "For years, years I've waited and hoped for Ryuuichi to be mine, and now that brat…." He downed the rest of his drink and slammed the glass on the table. It shattered. "Goddamn it."

-

Tohma drove Yuki to his house, and led the writer to the couch; when Yuki was seated, Tohma got out his first aid kit and cleaned the wound on Yuki's forehead. He patched it up in silence, then he pasted a smile on his face.

"Eiri-san, do you want anything to eat? To drink?"

Yuki stared straight ahead, ignoring Tohma, almost catatonic.

"Eiri-san, what did Shindou-san say to you? What's wrong?" Tohma got to his knees and held Yuki's hands, gazing up into those light brown eyes.

" 'I wish you died' he said, he wishes I was dead." Tears slid down Yuki's cheeks, and Tohma took in a breath before bringing Yuki's head to his shoulder—he let the writer cry into his shoulder while he fought against his anger.

"It'll be all right, Eiri, I'm here for you."


	17. Chapter 17

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Seventeen**

**The next day:**

Shuuichi slept on the bed, wrapped warmly in the covers—more like tangled in them from tossing and turning in his sleep. He mumbled, eyes closed to the world, his mind running through his dreams.

The door quietly opened, and brown hair and blue eyes popped in to watch the sleeping singer. After a sigh, Ryuu opened the door wider and stepped into the room; he walked to the window and opened it, allowing the fresh air to breeze into the room. He stood, gazing out the window, watching as the sky outside grew lighter with the approaching dawn.

"Shuuichi." He whispered and glanced at the sleeping singer; he watched as Shuuichi turned over, mumbling, then fall back to a deep sleep. REM sleep. Ryuu closed his eyes, but opened them quickly and shook his head. He sunk to the floor, bringing his knees to his chest.

"Tatsuha-kun…."

He remembered the look on Tatsuha's face when the monk had left earlier. A shocked look. A hurt look. Ryuuichi felt the anger when Tats smiled, said everything was fine and that he had to leave. His head pounded with confusion—he knew Tats was upset, but why…

"Did Shuu tell him what I said?" He closed his eyes and hid his face in his knees; after a few breaths he stretched and lied down on the floor, arms pillowing his head. He watched the ceiling. "I'll have a talk with him, but I can't abandon Shuuichi." He sighed and closed his eyes, turning from his back to his side; curled into a fetal position and fell asleep.

-

Hiro awoke to the sound of a ringing phone—the house phone. He wiped his blurry eyes and stretched, quickly sitting up on the couch and glancing around for the phone. He groaned when he didn't see it, remembering then where he was—Shuuichi's place, the phone was in the hall.

"Great." He stretched again and walked into the hall, picking up the insistent phone without checking the caller ID. "Hello?"

-

Shuuichi jolted awake hearing Hiro slamming down the phone, the sun brightening up the room. He sat on the bed, heart pounding, hands gripping the sheet: his last dream had been of something bad happening to Yuki, that Yuki had done something because of what he said.

"I hope Yuki's…."

Undeterminable mumbles drew his attention and he saw Ryuuichi lying in a ball on the floor by the window, thumb in his mouth. Blinking, he slid off the bed quietly, took a few steps to Ryuu and stared down at him.

"He shouldn't suck his thumb." He knelt down and gently tried to take Ryuu's thumb out of the older singer's mouth, but the sleeping man whined and pouted, and Shuuichi let go. "Childish, but that's what makes you so nice. Easygoing." Shuu sighed and gazed at his idol's sleeping face; slowly he brought his lips to Ryuu's cheek, a soft peck, then moved away.

"Um." Ryuu removed his thumb, turned onto his back and opened his eyes. He blinked back sleep as the blurriness disappeared and he saw Shuuichi.

"Sorry I woke you…I didn't mean…."

Ryuu cut off Shuuichi's words with a kiss, a light embrace that then grew deeper as the older man pulled the younger close. The kiss grew more sensuous before Ryuu broke it and brought his lips to Shuuichi's neck, his left hand under the singer's shirt, at the belly and sneaking up.

"Ryuu…Ryuu, no." Shuuichi pulled away, eyes wide. "Too fast."

Ryuu froze and stared into Shuuichi's violet eyes, his cobalt ones intense. Their faces were inches apart.

"By that you mean…?"

"Um, I…can't we go on a few dates first?"

"Did you go on dates with Yuki-san before you—"

"That—I was young and foolish, a complete idiot." Shuuichi broke eye contact with Ryuu, staring at the floor. "I jumped into that relationship without thinking, just because I loved him, and look at what happened to that."

"You were together for three years. That's…."

"Not very long."

"Longer that any of my relationships."

Shuuichi looked up, into Ryuu's face, the cobalt orbs were serious, all naivete gone from the features. Ryuu leaned in, closing the gap as he brought his lips once more to Shuuichi's. Then he pulled back and sighed.

"All right, you want a few dates first, you got it." Ryuu yawned and lied down on the floor. "But now it's sleepy-sleepy time, good night." The older man closed his eyes, his breathing slowing with sleep.

"Um, good night?" Shuuichi looked up at the window, the sun shining bright. "It's morning…." Shrugging if off he stood up, took the blanket from the bed and covered Ryuu with it. Next he left the room, shutting the door silently; he walked down the hall to the kitchen, barely entering the room before Hiro greeted him.

"Bacon? Eggs? Toast?" The guitarist asked, glancing at his friend, and scrambling eggs in a bowl.

"Good morning, Hiro. How long have you been up?" Shuuichi grabbed a stool and sat down.

"Fifteen minutes—ten of which I spent on the phone." Hiro finished scrambling the eggs and then set the bowl on the counter. Next he peeled a few strips of bacon from the pack and placed them in a frying pan on the stove.

"Oh yeah, I heard you hang up." Shuuichi felt fear twisting his stomach, thinking of his dream and what he first thought when he awoke.

"You know…" Hiro chuckled. "I thought you and Ryuu would spend a bit more time alone together in the bedroom."

"Wha…Hiro, wha….where did you get that idea? I don't…." Shuuichi turned red, stammering.

"I went to wake you up, and I saw you two making out." Hiro turned to Shuuichi and smiled. "I was wondering when you'd find someone new."

"It's not like that! We're just…I'm not ready…I'm not." Shuuichi stopped and looked down, his hands in fists on his knees. "I'm a terrible person, Sakuma-san deserves better…I'm a terrible person." Tears sprung from his eyes and crashed on his jeans. "I shouldn't have said that to Yuki, I shouldn't have…how could I say that…to someone I love?" He burst into sobs; Hiro stopped cooking and approached him, wrapping his arms around his friend.

"It's okay, Shuuichi, it's okay."

"No, it's not. What if Yuki…what if Yuki's really hurt? What if he…."

Hiro sighed and held Shuuichi tightly.

"If you are really upset by it, you could always apologize to Yuki-san. I bet Seguchi-san knows where he is."

"You think I should?"

"If you regret it, yeah, especially if it will upset you if you don't." Hiro released Shuuichi when the singer's sobs died down. "But first, how about I finish making breakfast?"

-

Fujisaki stood in his cousin's office, his eyes wide as he stared at his cousin sitting behind the desk.

"Seguchi-san, that's unfair."

"But Fujisaki, I thought you wanted an end to playing in Bad Luck? Have you changed your mind?"

"Just because I…I don't want the band disbanded, I just want to leave."

"The band won't be disbanded as long as Shindou-san apologizes to Eiri-san. Then Bad Luck will just be on hiatus until I forgive Shindou-san."

"But…."

"I already informed Nakano-san, he'll tell Shindou." Seguchi flashed Fujisaki his trademark smile and stood up. "Now could you please leave? I have some business to attend to." He gave Fujisaki his smile that refused to accept any dissent, and stood that way until the younger man left the room.

Outside the room Fujisaki stormed a few paces down the hall then stopped and pulled on his hair with both hands.

"Damn…I don't even want to leave—I just wanted Shindou-san to stop drinking and work harder on the music. But this…." He stopped pulling his hair and stared, unseeing, straight ahead, eyes slightly narrowed. "Seguchi-san is mixing the personal with business. Shindou-san whatever you did to Yuki-san, I hope it was worth it."

-

Tatsuha sat on the bench and leaned his back against the wall, head throbbing. His bloodshot eyes stared ahead at the bars blocking his escape. Bars hoarding him in the cubicle—his cell.

"Just my damn luck to get arrested for drunk driving." He mumbled and leaned forward, clasping his hands while he waited for the guard to come by to allow him a phone call. "And just my damn stupidity to have some other drugs on me. God!" He gritted his teeth as a painful jolt spread through his head, about to close his eyes when the guard came to his cell.

"You get a phone call. Come on."

"Finally."


	18. Chapter 18

_A/N: I'm so sorry about how long it took to update this story, I just never had time or inspiration or ideas to write about. I'll try to update sooner next time._

Gomen ne

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter 18**

Seguchi, office phone to his ear, thumbed through the papers on his desk, ready to finish his work and check up on Eiri. Then his cell phone rang. After a quick sentence he placed the office phone on hold, and opened his cell; he didn't check the caller ID, only a few knew that number.

"Hello? Tatsuha, what's…." Seguchi breathed out and leaned back in his chair, checking his annoyance at Tatsuha's words. "You deserve…what? He said what?" Seguchi straightened up and laid his arm on the desk, his attention riveted to the conversation. "I'll talk to him…I'll take care of it. Good day Tatsuha." Seguchi clanked the phone shut, ending the young man's monologue.

In business demeanor he picked up the office phone, concluded his dialogue with the one on hold. After informing his secretary to reschedule all of the day's appointments, he donned his coat and strode through the halls, down the elevator and out the door.

o

Yuki sat, elbows on the sides of the leather arm chair, a TV, screen blank, to his left, centered against the farthest wall. His right hand over his eyes, blocking them from view; his thumb passed over the bandage on his forehead; the cut from hitting his head against the wall cleaned and bandaged last night by Seguchi.

He released his breath in a scoff, removed his hand and leaned his head back against the wall; a sliver of light illuminated his cheeks and nose, throwing contrast onto his eyes, shadowing them. He gazed at the high window to his right, closed his eyes and pushed off the chair to his feet.

"Eiri, are you all right?"

Yuki glanced to his left, across the room in the open doorway stood Mika; her long brown hair tied back, a housecoat wrapped around over her clothes. He shook his head and stepped pass Mika through the door, ignoring her as he walked down the hall.

o

Consuming his last bit of breakfast in thought, Shuichi hummed unconsciously, his eyes averted into space. He barely heard the clinking of dishes as Hiro cleaned, dried, and put them away; he drew out of thought only when Hiro touched his shoulder.

"What's wrong, Shu?"

"…nothing…just tired. I think I'll take a shower—freshen up before I apologize to Yuki." Shu stood and stretched, removing himself from the room and Hiro's patient, concerned stare. He entered the hall and then the shower-room with just one discreet glance at Yuki's study. The door unhinged, broken for his escape. "I wish I could escape from this."

He leaned against the closed shower-room door, legs faltering, hands grasping the air as though trying to wrestle a memory into material.

"Will apologizing to Yuki help?" He closed his eyes, tears dripping from between the lids, resting on his chin before freefalling to the floor. "An apology doesn't cure cancer." A noise escaped his lips, a supposed chuckle that lay trapped in his throat. "I can forgive; I can even accept Yuki loving Kitazawa more than me, but…." He backed away from the door and stared at the ceiling light, drowning in the blindness cast onto his eyes. He bit his lip, and pulled off his shirt. "Why should I return to him when I know he will die? That any day…."

A head-shake blew away the thought, and his hands unbidden shed the rest of his clothes; he turned on the shower and stepped in, basking in the heat of the water pelting on his flesh.

He didn't move until he heard Hiro's knock, his friend's voice asking if he was all right, it being twenty minutes after Shu entered the shower-room. Shuichi turned off the water, and stepped out of the shower, the heat absorbed into his skin, some of which was now peeling. Tears streamed down his face from the pain; he sank to his knees, curling into a ball, clasping his arms around his knees, the contact bringing more pain.

o

Ryuichi awoke to Seguchi hovering above him, face unreadable.

"I didn't expect to find you here; you have an interview in two hours."

"Tohma…where's Shuichi and Hiro?" Ryu propped himself into a sitting position, wiping his eyes free of sleep, and ruffled his hair with his other hand.

"I don't know—I came looking for Shindou but you're the only one I found."

Ryu swallowed back a yawn, his head clear to absorb the tone with the words.

"You're upset with me, Tohma?" Ryu molded his face to pout, but froze, twisting his expression into seriousness; one look from his friend and he knew he couldn't avoid Tohma with an act.

"You told Shindou-san you loved him?"

"…I do love him, Tohma." Ryu studied the dust between the cracks on the floor, face flooding with color.

"He's not just another conquest? An illicit fling to throw away in a year?"

"It's not like that. I love him."

"You say that every time you find someone new." Seguchi turned to gaze out the window, the afternoon sun high and clear. "I'm not surprised you picked Shindou-san, I was expecting you to." The blond man straightened his hat and crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm just surprised you waited until now to make a move."

"…I love him…I just gave him time." Ryu stared at Tohma's shoes, trailing the floor with his nails.

"It's just a coincidence you confessed after Eiri-san's return? You had a whole year." Seguchi closed his eyes, then opened them to the view of the crease where wall met ceiling. "Even Tatsuha made a move before now, and he's never without a fling to occupy him."

"Please, Tohma." Ryu stood, real tears glazing his cobalt eyes, not the childish ones he could pull off at a moment's notice. "Even if…please…." He grabbed Tohma's sleeve, disengaging his friend's left arm from his right, pulling it away from the blond's chest. "Even if I have other reasons…I do love Shuichi. He reminds me of myself…" Ryu smiled wistfully, his eyes covered by his hair as the tears escaped and slid down his cheeks. "We both love people who can never return that love."

o

Tatsuha stretched after the guard released him, he was free, he just had to follow probation, and do some community service.

"Damn, Seguchi works fast." He stepped into the entrance room, looking around without focusing until his eyes caught a certain brunette.

Mika stormed up to Tatsuha and slapped him across the face, the sound echoing in the room.

"How could you be so immature?! Drinking and driving is bad enough, but on a motorcycle? That's a hundred times more dangerous!"

"You're not mom, Mika." Tatsuha rubbed his cheek and glance away. "I won't do it again."

"You better nor, because I'm not bailing you out again."

"You? You got me out, not Tohma? But I called…."

"Tohma called me, he has his own concerns. Namely Eiri…." She brought her hand to her mouth, then her eyes where she brushed away some moisture.

"What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"Tohma brought Eiri over last night, but Eiri hasn't said a word all day. He just sits around barely moving, not eating either. And to top it off…" Her words caught, the sound a coughed cry as tears escaped her eyes, slid down her cheeks. "Tohma told me Eiri has cancer…cancer, Tatsuha…." Mika grabbed Tatsuha's arms, shaking them with her own shudders. "And now I learn something could've happened to you, you could've…."

"Gomen ne, Mika." He brought her to his shoulder and let her cry there, his heart drumming against his ribs. "Gomennasai."

o

"Thank you doctor." Hiro smiled and entered the room, his eyes centered on Shuichi sitting on the examining table, sight downcast. He cringed when he saw the redness of Shu's arms, those burns not too bad, but enough to not fade even after a few hours. At least they weren't peeling like the ones all over Shu's back and chest, now covered with a cloth to relieve the burn, lower the pain.

"Hiro…."

"Shuichi, what's wrong? Is this all about Yuki? About what you said last night?"

"What should I do, Hiro? I love Yuki, I want to be with him. Hell, I don't care if he loves Kitazawa more, I—I can just pretend, be happy with him like before…." Shuichi cringed, and wrapped his hand around his burned wrist. "But…."

"But?"

"Yuki's dying, his cancer…I can deal with him leaving and not coming back…I still can hope, can convince myself he'll return. But…but, if he dies I'll know he won't come back. I can't fool myself about that." Shuichi hugged himself and cried, his physical pain voiced with his sobs. "I love him, but I can't…I can't face that reality. I just can't."

o

His reflection staring at him as God reprimanding the mask, Ryu pushed away, wiping off the TV makeup, his interview over, finished sooner than usual, but with quality. That should make Tohma happy.

"Tohma…." He closed his eyes, remembering what his friend said earlier in response.

"_Are you sure Shindou can return your love? He's the kind that has only one love, and that love will never change."_

Ryu swept his arms over the table, pushing everything off; ending with a clear surface and mirror in front of him. He pushed away, turning his reclining, wheeled chair away from the table and toward the far wall. Numerous scribbles, his drawings from all the times he used this room, peered at him, his diversion.

"No…ah…." His tear strained eyes alighted on a shard among the hodge-podge scattered from the table: a piece of glass broke from a miniature mirror used for close-up viewing.

The glass gleamed in the overhead light.

**End chapter**


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: I'm so sorry! Gomennasai! It's been too long, I know, I only hope this chapter will make up for the wait.

**Gomen ne:**

**Chapter 19**

Yuki's hair floated from a passing breeze, and a shiver crept along his spine--he straightened his sunglasses on the bridge of his nose, his wall between the outside world and himself.

Though that was foolish, what could sunglasses do to protect him? He was loose in the world, amid the crowds of indifference--alone, the guise of fame the only connection to the outside world. But that misguided adoration he could do without.

It couldn't turn back time.

Turning his gaze to a mirrored window of a skyscraper, he fingered the bandage on his forehead, a bit untidy from picking at the tape. It itched and drove him crazy. He wanted to tear it off but Tohma had put such care into it…and he didn't want to see his open flesh.

He didn't need to see the bleeding wound that went with his heart.

He trudged on, down the concrete, the trumpeting of car engines a hum in his ears, and the voices of conversing passerby just whispers. Rather like bees--he had to get away, the solitude among others too unbearable. Too pervading to drown.

Bells jangled as he opened a door to a café and stepped in, slinking to a corner booth without a window. How soon until they discovered he left? Didn't matter--he shouldn't have returned. His strawberry angel didn't want him--or he did, but he just couldn't stand the pain, couldn't forgive indifference.

"Shu…can't blame you, but still…." He ordered coffee from the waitress, black like his heart scorched by pain. He drummed his fingers over the clean tabletop, stopped, and allowed his fingers to draw out a pen under the napkin rack; a cheap pen left by a previous patron.

He tapped it on the table, paused, and fished a napkin from the rack; plain, white, and thin. Only a hint of quilted pattern to hinder the pen.

His coffee came and cooled as he wrote.

0

Manicured fingers showing only slight ridges from compulsive nail biting enclosed slowly around the shard, the length slightly bigger than the hand. Ryu relaxed on his knees, and only slightly winced when the edge of glass cut a trailing finger; he squeezed the glass suddenly and bowed his head to the floor, slamming his fists down. The glass shattered; tearing into his hand, pushed deeper in as he pounded his fist on the pieces.

He lifted his head with a shuddering sob, staring unseeing at the wall; his cheeks shined with tears, his hand was coated in blood--he barely felt the throb of his wounded skin, and only faintly felt the blood drip to the floor. His breath caught and he sat back, his knees brought up in front of him, his arms resting on the kneecaps. He watched the blood drip, staining his jeans crimson.

"Tohma…why couldn't…." Ryu shook his head, shook the tears off and stood, swinging a jacket over his shoulders before heading out, his hand hidden in his pocket.

0

Yuki finished his coffee, the inscribed napkin folded in his jacket pocket; people were a blur as he walked from the café, foregoing his change in his rush. He needed solitude. Oblivion.

The soft angel snuggling against him.

Shuichi's face flashed in his thoughts, the angel pressed against him, eyes closed in sleep, hair rustled; one hand closed around the blanket, the other under the pillow. Two years ago, he thought he would never get rid of the brat, the angel would return no matter what; now he was the one returning and being denied.

"Shu…." He pinched the bridge of his nose with his left hand, inconspicuously wiping tears before they fell from his eyes. His feet carried him toward an unoccupied bench, and his stomach clenched with realization of where he was. The park where he first saw Shuichi. "I should…."

He moved his upper body to stand, but turned back to sitting; the mere glance toward his house struck his veins cold. Foreign even in its familiarity. He hated Japan, and now his own house brought him discomfort.

"I've never belonged." He leaned back facing the clouds patching the azure sky. "That day in New York, I should've just pulled the trigger. One bullet to end all the pain."

0

Fingers slipped over the smooth glass of the shop's window, tip-less black gloves to hide the bandage tightened beneath the wool. Sheep's clothing, living a lie--for years, years. His sunglasses, full visor shades blocked his red-rimmed eyes, hid the sapphire orbs lined in pain.

He wanted ordinary, hiddenness, even as his stomach twisted under baggage he couldn't withstand--burden from the organ beneath his chest, beneath the photograph in his breast pocket. Who stared at him from the glass? His reflection--how did he run from himself, hibernate in activity and fame?

Ryu sighed. Mental dawn drew near, crept on the shadows and forced the pain of searing light to dry the rose in his heart--the rose he kept secret, its stem in the grave. His blood stained pants tipped his thoughts into murky reality, the fog surrounded him as he struggled to remain detached but within the world.

Impossible.

Meaning came from perception, and reality wasn't real without meaning--even if only its shell. No detached husk could live in reality, immersed in its pleasure. The happiness of a kiss perhaps.

Ryu smiled loosely, heaviness around his eyes as the tear ducts crept out release--the moisture found its trail to his chin, lingering a minute before freefalling. He watched his reflection--it wasn't him crying, he couldn't be seeing his tears. That torture existed only within.

Inside his soul--inside the grave.

"I can't hurt Shuichi, but Yuki…Yuki…."

He squeezed the air, left hand a fist that shot pain through his arm like a needle injects morphine--he glared at his hand, volcanic heat pulsing from his fingers and dressing his memories.

**End Chapter**

_A/N: I'm ending the chapter here since I lost my muse and didn't want to keep delaying the updating of this story. I miss your reviews too much!_


	20. Chapter 20

_A/N: Sorry it took so long. I hope you enjoy this chapter._

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter Twenty:**

Eyes hidden by the passing shade of a cloud, Yuki stood by the railing canvassing the view of the city, and then the overcast sky. He glanced down--the road far beneath the overpass--he could jump.

The first fat drops of rain baptizing his hand holding the rail, cold but pleasant. He smiled--just the corners of his mouth upturned, the chuckle in his throat, bitter. He tightened his grip on the rail--heart beating fast, adrenaline pulsing.

"I'll--"

Yuki fell to his knees, coughing, hacking; he felt the blood on the hand over his mouth. His body quivered, and nausea jumped through his stomach; he retched as the rain clattered down the sky and washed away his mess.

0

Hair dripping, shirt matted to his chest, Ryu flinched, the passing flash of lightning drawing his heart into a jump; the moaning wind gave way to a groan to his left, ten feet away--he drew back when he recognized Yuki shivering and drenched.

Yuki's next groan drew him towards the sickened man; his steps drowned by the rain, he pulled Yuki to standing, the author's head cradled in his shoulder. Ryu chewed on his tongue and headed down the road--toward Shuichi's.

0

Laying Yuki on the couch, not bothering about their shoes, Ryu found the thickest blanket and draped it over the semi-conscious author. He paused at Yuki's mumbles.

"Sh….gomen….Sen..sei"

Ryu flexed his fist, stretched his fingers and bit his lip; he rushed from the room, to the hall, to the study, the door slid into place as he collapsed to his knees.

He tore the shades from his face, they clattered across the floor; the sound echoing. Slivers of the room, its modern yet hand-crafted desk, the book shelves--they entered his view through his bangs; heat flushed through him, his body shaking as anger like a volcano pouncing through his veins. He bit his lip for control, not noticing the pain until he tasted blood.

He brought his face to the floor and slammed his fists against the polished hardwood. The clearing of his throat choked back his sobs and he sat up; his quivering left hand reached into his breast pocket.

The Polaroid gleamed in the sudden light as the door opened and splashed illumination from the hallway.

"Sh..u…" Yuki staggered into the study, holding to the doorframe for support. Sweat dripped down his face, his eyes narrowed from fever. He gasped and pressed tighter to the doorframe; his light brown eyes riveted to the Polaroid in Ryuichi's hand.

Ryu stood and turned to Yuki, his cobalt eyes gleaming fiercely, like his stage persona but worse. This seriousness was real--and angry.

"What happened that day."

Thunder exploded the air, the hall light flickering after a sudden bolt from the clouds. Yuki staggered back, his unsure steps found from weakening legs.

"Why…." Bile rose into his throat, but he swallowed it, his eyes flicking from the Polaroid to Ryu's face. He choked with a quick inhale, a hint of a pistol in the side of Ryu's jeans--the metal revealed from under the shirt as the older man approached him.

Yuki fell to the floor, his legs unable to support him. He froze against the wall.

"What happened that day."

"How….You two…."

"What happened!" Ryu pulled the pistol out, pointing it at Yuki; the photograph fell from his hand. It fell into the shadow between them, illuminated a moment by a sudden bolt of lightning flashing through the window.

Edges worn from age, the photo held the face of a younger Ryu snuggled against the shoulder of another man….

Kitazawa.

Thunder boomed once more.

0

Shu squeezed the umbrella shaft, his eyes riveted to the open front door, the pounding rain drowning away his thoughts--until Hiro shut the door to the taxi and turned to him.

"Yuki's there…has to….." Shuichi mumbled, then squeezed his eyes shut and turned his head. "I can't…."

Lightning flashed overhead, but Shuichi didn't see, his ears picked up a deadlier sound. He gasped and ran, through the open door, into the hall--the umbrella tossed to the floor; his throat constricted and tears flooded his eyes momentarily, then panic as he saw Yuki huddled against the wall, saw the blood from his shoulder.

"Y…Yuki!"

He sprinted to Yuki, almost diving as he settled on his knees; his trembling hand found the wound, the blood oozing onto his fingers slowing as he applied pressure. Tears burst from his eyes and he pressed his face into Yuki's chest.

0

Ryu exhaled sharply, trembling eyes aimed at the blood smeared wall; his recollection shattered at the bullet blast. The sharp jab of his heart against his ribes, he tried to step back but his legs floundered--he stared at the gun held out with both his hands as he crashed to his knees.

The safety was on--why did it fire?

His index barely brushed the trigger--

"A..." Silent lightning threw light into the room, and Ryu's horrified eyes found the polaroid; soon they burned with salty tears as he angled his arms into a triangle, the pistol pointed under his chin. Diagonal, where head met neck.

He heard a gasp, eyes clenched shut and burning--he pulled the trigger with the next crash of thunder.

Click.

The trigger barely moved--

He pressed harder, flipping the safety; it squeezed easily under his finger, but the only sound was the click of an empty chamber. The gun clattered out of his convulsing hands; chest heaving he grabbed the polaroid and squeezed into a ball on the floor, the photo pressed under his crossed arms.

_'Yu-kun'_

**A/N: End chapter**


	21. Chapter 21

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter 21**

Golden eyes opened to surreal blinding light that faded to a face. Youthful, worried, accented by pink-berry hair; violet gems of sight.

The strange glow dimmed and the beeping of the heart monitor toned in; the feel of IV's poked into his arms--things numb grew to awareness. He reached to the face, his fingers running through the strawberry hair. His angel, his strawberry angel.

"Shuichi, I'm sorry, so sorry." Yuki felt tender hands grab his, his eyes blurring; he felt tears tumble onto his hand from those violet eyes.

"Yuki." Shuichi pressed his face into Yuki's chest, careful but desperate. "You'll be okay. The doctors…I…I won't let you leave me! Not again! Not ever!" Shuichi trembled, and nearly smothered himself clinging to Yuki, his tears boundless.

"….I'm sorry….Shu….I had to leave….last year….."

"I know about your cancer….Sakuma-san overheard…." Shuichi tensed and shook his head. "It's too much…your cancer…you getting shot…and….if you never left…." Shudders convulsed through Shuichi, his voice lowering. "If you never left…."

"I'd be dead." Yuki felt Shu freeze, then push away to gaze face to face; Shu trembled. "I wanted to die last year."

"Yuki…."

"I meant that note I left to be a suicide note…." Yuki inhaled, closed is eyes and then exhaled, the deafening sound of gunshots ringing from his memory. He opened his eyes, now clear of moisture. "Where's Sakuma?"

"In isolation…." Shuichi cringed into a ball beside the bed, pulling at his hair, his sobs muffled by the mattress. "Why the hell….how could Sakuma-san….everything's crazy….and no one will explain….."

"….the photograph Sakuma-san had…." Yuki sat up and placed his hand on Shu's head, the strawberry strands gentle and smooth.

"Huh? Oh…Seguchi-san took it….he paled the moment he saw it…." Shu breathed out after a deep inhale through the hospital covers, Yuki's scent calmed him into silent tears instead of sobs. "I didn't see….."

"Ki…Kitazawa was in the picture with Sakuma." Yuki's heart throbbed but he bit his lip and gazed at Shuichi whose violet eyes widened, blocking out the tears.

"When….how….."

"Nittle Grasper was active in Japan when I lived in New York…Tohma visited when he could….sometimes with Sakuma….they were friends before Nittle Grasper." Yuki turned toward the window the night sky a stark contrast to the bright hospital room. "I never…hm…Tohma must be shocked….."

"He hasn't left Sakuma-san since he saw the photo…." Shuichi turned at the sound of the door opening, Mika stepped in wiping a stray tear from her cheek. She hurried forward seeing Yuki awake and sitting.

"Eiri! Thank god." She pushed Shu away and hugged her brother, sitting on the chair by the bed afterwards. "I've been worried sick."

"Mika."

"….I'll go get some sodas…." Shu backed away, biting his lip as he walked into the hall--giving Mika time alone with her brother. He wandered down the hall, head pounding, surroundings a blur as he sunk into his thoughts; Hiro grabbing his arm brought him back to reality.

"Shu…" Hiro caught his friend as Shuichi collapsed to tears, convulsions drowning him to unconsciousness.

0

Ryu huddled in the corner of the white-walled room, the only furnishing a small bed he pushed against the door; he pounded his wounded hand against the wall until it opened and bled, the crimson staining his chest and drying on his skin.

"Ryu…." Tohma pushed the bed as he entered the room, his throat clenched seeing Ryu's bleeding hand. "Ryuichi, I…please….I don't understand." He knelt by the cowering man, gazing at the cuts on Ryu's palm, each time the doctor bandaged it, Ryu would undo it. This was the third time. "Please tell me."

"Hh…ah…." Ryu pulled away and shook his head; his breathing quickened and he shuddered with pain, panic rising with the tears brimming under his eyelids. He punched the floor hard, and readied another before Tohma stopped him, pulling Ryu against his chest.

"Please say something."

"….gomen-nasai…." Ryu heard Tohma's heartbeat, his ear snug against the blond's chest. "The safety…."

"Ryu…." Tohma gazed at the ceiling fleetly, his breath held steady with his pain. "Eiri's all right. He's resting."

"….I didn't….mean to….the safety…." Ryu quivered and clenched his hand, not feeling the pain just the heat of the cuts. "…it fired…."

"K checked it, the safety was faulty…." Tohma pried Ryu from his chest and lifted his chin for eye to eye contact. "But….why did you….no…why didn't you tell me? About…." Tohma's stomach clenched as he remembered the photograph--Ryu with Kitazawa.

"Why didn't you tell me he died? I didn't find out 'til I went solo in America…."

"…I didn't know that you….." Tohma swallowed hearing the bitter rare anger in Ryu's voice. "…I had to be there for Eiri…I never knew….you and him…." He spat the 'him' out like a bad taste, his hatred of Kitazawa undying.

"You introduced us…the first time I tagged along to New York." Ryu backed out of Tohma's arms, face downcast, the smooth, shiny floor holding his sight; he wandered through the words he wanted to say, words he kept under lock and key for years. "You should've considered that Yu-kun and I were at least friends…."

" '_at least friends'_? Ryu, were you…."

"I fell in love with him…." Ryu leaned back against the wall, knees to his chest, arms around his legs. Jabs of pain from his hand slowly filled his senses, his distress ebbing with each word, his physical numbness waning.

Tohma bit back his '_but why_,' memory flashing a long dormant scene into his thoughts; before he brought Eiri to New York, but not more than a few months prior:

"_I love you Tohma, have for quite a while." Ryu clung to him as he disclosed his heart, confessing as evening chased the day away. Tohma paused with surprise._

"_Ryu…I need to finish tweaking the new song…." Tohma turned, switching on the synthesizer, smiling off the declaration as Ryu's playfulness. He thought it was--until he saw Ryu's eyes: Serious, hurt._

"_I mean it, Tohma, I love you." The singer stared at the floor blushing. "Please can't we…."_

"_Ryuichi…I'm dating someone…I'm sorry." Tohma sighed and shook his head, missing Ryu's tremor, but noticed him grabbing his hands, holding them tightly. "It won't be good for Nittle Grasper either. Our fan base is largely female."_

_Ryu walked away in silence._

"I turned you down…." Tohma brought his right hand to his forehead massaging the budding throb away. He swallowed, clearing his throat before straightening his posture; he stared firmly at Ryu. "But why Eiri….why now? Why confront him….in such a way…."

Ryu glared at Tohma, his cobalt eyes gleaming. He flinched from the pain pulsing from his fist as he pressed it against the floor.

"I'm not blind Tohma….you love him, love Eiri….more than your wife…more than anyone. I….I don't know what happened that day….only that Eiri was involved….I…." Ryu buried his face in his knees, his breathing ragged, shallow; his throat clenched. He bit down on his tongue, tasting blood. "I just wanted to know what happened that day….I just…." His sobs passed shudders through his body, holding his words inside; he closed his eyes and listened to his breath, heart, and the still silence building around.

Tohma placed his hand on Ryu's head, his frustration and confusion dead with the words in his throat. He blinked back tears as his fingers threaded through his friend's hair.

"Just rest Ryu." He whispered, nodding to the doctor at the door after Ryu closed his eyes and lied down. He watched as the doctor gave Ryu a sedative--something Tohma refused to allow at first, but now….Ryu just needed to rest.

_God, what else must those I love suffer?_

"Gomen-nasai." Tohma whispered outside the room, leaning against the shut door.

**A/N: End chapter.**


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: SO Sorry about not updating in a while, I have just got my internet working again yesterday. I hope this chapter makes up for the wait.

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter 22**

Sharp sapphire between eyelids opened to a dimmed wall-white ceiling; the blank canvas of thought turned physical through grogginess. Ryu inhaled, the hint of tears weighing down his blank eyes--he smelled disinfectant, and the pulse from his arms tugged his consciousness open. Lying on the firm hospital mattress, he turned his head toward his wounded hand--the bandage didn't surprise him, neither did the restraints hooked around each arm.

The pain was numb; the discomfort nil under the slow-to-fade sedative. He felt lost--buoyed at sea as dimmed memories blurred to view.

"Yu-kun…" Ryu inhaled and shut his eyes, shaking his head to forget. He pulled at the restraints sealing his arms; then stilled after turning his head to the side. Tears glistened and fell onto the pillow. "Toh-chan."

0

IVs running into his arms, his form stretched along the bed length, Shuichi breathed softly in unconsciousness; his pink hair matted from sweat to his forehead. Yuki gazed down at the delicate face, amazed at how slowly it aged over the past year: still young -- just with an added whiff of maturity.

"Shu…." Yuki touched the younger man's forehead, the tinge of heat spreading worry to his heart; he sat beside the bed, careful not to move his wounded shoulder -- as a precaution his whole arm was cradled in a supporting sling.

"Eiri-san, you should be resting…your shoulder…."

"I'm fine. Shu hasn't woken since he collapsed yesterday." Yuki bit his lip at the pasty-face lying on the pillow, the heart monitor an irritating beep in the background. "Shu…." Yuki turned to Tohma as the older man stepped beside him.

"The doctors are running tests….he's being monitored around the clock…there's nothing more to be done until the results arrive…you should rest in your room."

"No."

"Eiri…." Tohma sighed, placed his hand on Yuki's unharmed shoulder and pressed his face into the younger man's blond hair. He averted his eyes to the door as a doctor entered.

Carefully he left Yuki's side, motioned by the doctor to talk out in the hall; Tohma wiped his eyes and read the doctor's nametag -- with three doctors to deal with regarding Eiri, Ryu, and Shuichi he barely recalled each face. He blinked then stilled at recognition of Shuichi's doctor's name.

"Doctor, the test results have come back?" Tohma searched the grey-haired man's face in earnest -- the stress of yesterday spilling into today overwhelmed him to forego his trademark smile.

"It's not good. Shindou-san appears to be in the pre-stages of acute liver failure." The doctor shifted through the chart in his hand, glancing at the closed door, then back to Tohma at the latter's sharp inhale of breath. "According to statements of friends and associates, Shindou-san has been drinking heavily over the past year. It's plausible to assume alcohol-toxicity has caused this deterioration.

"How bad is it? What has to be done?" Tohma swallowed to clear his throat of emotion -- he didn't care for Shuichi, but Yuki's wellbeing and need for Shuichi dominated his thoughts.

"I've prescribed medicine to stop and hopefully reverse the damage. However, with such sudden onset deterioration, if Shindou-san doesn't improve he'll need a transplant." The doctor lowered his arms to his sides and after a pause continued. "With Shindou-san's recent history of alcohol-abuse and his current emotional and mental distress, it's unlikely, given organ scarcity, that he'll be given priority on a transplant list. Even with your connections and his fame."

Tohma paled, nodding to the doctor and informing him of Shuichi's family's contact information. He breathed deeply in and out after the doctor walked away -- Shuichi's family should make the important decisions from now on. He had Eiri and Ryu to worry over.

Rubbing his temple as he entered the waiting room jittery for coffee, Tohma gasped when Tatsuha rushed at him.

"Why didn't you tell me everything that happened yesterday?! About how bro got shot…about who…." Tatsuha caught his words before they reached his lips, the hint of his inner struggles seen from slight trembling.

"Ryuichi isn't your concern…Eiri is the only one you should be concerned about."

Tatsuha growled through clenched teeth, his muscles tensed to strike out; instead he rushed away to the other side of the room then back. He pulled at his hair, mumbling as he glowered; oblivious as he paced. Releasing a strangled cry Tatsuha plopped down on a chair, his hands in fists at his forehead.

Tohma's widened eyes took in Tats' erratic behavior, but his sleep-deprived, over-stressed mind merely pressed for coffee. He ignored Tatsuha until he heard the young man swear.

"Goddamn it! Goddamn it!" Tatsuha crushed an empty can of soda left by a prior visitor, his face pale. "My idol shot my brother -- damn, who the hell do I hate?!"

"Tatsuha…." Tohma leaned over the coffee stand, his arms stretched forward on the whitewashed surface. His youngest brother-in-law's distress sinking into his eardrum irritated him -- more weight for his shoulders and heart. He shook his head and poured his coffee; he held the Styrofoam cup in his hand and his eyes blurred as he poured.

The coffee spilled onto his hand; the coffeepot clanked onto the table from the quick reflex of pain as the hot liquid seared is skin. He grasped his wounded hand against his chest and backed two wobbly steps away -- sleep blurred his eyes even as his heart pounded beneath his ribcage.

'Who am I supposed to blame?'

Tohma brought both hands to his forehead, his head bowed to hide his trembling lips.

0

Ryu closed his eyes, drowning in the darkness behind his eyelids until the dimmed colors of memory phased through:

_He raced down the empty path, his surroundings a blur even as he passed back into the city. His lungs near bursting he stopped and staggered onto a side street before opening his eyes; his throat burned with each breath and the constant-passing headlights blinded him when he gazed at the street._

_It was truly the city that never slept._

"_Why…why doesn't Tohma…." Ryu slid down the side of the building, the concrete wall rough, the alley asphalt cold and wet. "…'just sing'… 'focus on Nittle Grasper'….that's what he said…." His brown hair fell over his eyes, his recent conversation with Tohma about '_that'_ just two hours old and screaming in his thoughts. Tears reddened his cheeks. "I can't…can't…."_

_The clouds growled out thunder, and passing cars hummed as the air grew colder. Lightning flashed when he felt the hand on his shoulder; he wiped his tears away, the annoying buzz of background noise faded as he gazed at the moving lips, then the eyes of the man he met two weeks before._

_Yuki Kitazawa._

"_Are you lost? You're Seguchi-san's buddy Sakuma-san, right?" Kitazawa paused and placed both his hands on Ryu's shoulders to stare the vocalist in the eye. "Are you all right? What' s wrong…?" Lightning flickered through the night sky, heavy droplets of water clambered slowly onto the streets. "Let's go inside." Kitazawa motioned to the front doors of a restaurant, Ryu followed him, eyes sore and blurred._

Ryu opened his eyes, the seclusion room light burning into them; his restraints had been loosened, his bandage changed. The sweat on his face mingled with the tears, he blinked them away, the blurriness clearing as he focused on the doorway.

Tatsuha stood on the open threshold; his heart fluttering even as it burned -- frustration simmering: his idol shot his brother, he needed to know why.

Tatsuha spied the tears on Ryu's face; he saw the cobalt eyes avert toward the mattress, the wary weariness of Ryu's expression pulled him toward the bed.

"Good morning, Sakuma-san." Tatsuha sat on the chair beside the bed, trying to smile until he saw Ryu's eyes close and his lips moving in a whisper. Ryu's bottom lip trembled as he tried to slink away, however the restraints, though loosened, still held him to the bed. "Sakuma-san, I'm not…."

"Gomennasai, Tatsuha, gomennasai." Ryu refused to open his eyes until Tats cupped his face in his hands and leaned his forehead against Ryu's.

"Sakuma-san….I…. I can't hate you, but why? Why did you…?"

"I…the safety didn't work…." Ryu opened his red rimmed eyes, and stared into Tatsuha's. "I didn't mean to…hurt him…I…."

"But…."

"I just wanted answers….I…the man your brother killed in the States….he saved my life….but…." Ryu stopped and swallowed, taking in a labored breath. "no one…no one even told me he died….I just wanted….."

Ryu's voice broke, his throat sore from tears; Tatsuha wrapped his arms around the vocalist, his frustration fading seeing Ryu's tremors and hearing his distraught voice.

"I wanted to die back then….to kill myself…Kitazawa stopped me…."

"Sakuma-san…." Tatsuha held Ryu's head against his chest, his heart pounding.

"I never got the chance to thank him."

"It's all right, it's all right." Tatsuha held Ryu until his sobs subsided, his trembles turned nonexistent. Tatsuha whispered 'I love you' in Ryu's ear and kissed the vocalist, refusing to leave his bedside.

**End Chapter: I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please review.**


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: So sorry it's been so long since I updated this fic, I've been focusing on Murder Broods (my Detective Conan fic).

For the past few days I wasn't able to log-in to the site due to the site experiencing some errors.

**Gomen ne:**

**Chapter 23**

Shuichi's eyes fluttered open, red-rimmed and blurry; he felt nauseous and turned to his side -- he lifted his hand to the IV running from his arm trailing it lightly with his finger to the medicine bag dripping its solution into the tube.

"You're awake." He felt Yuki's warm fingers on his face, his blurry eyes focusing on the angel face as Yuki knelt beside the hospital bed. Shuichi trailed his eyes along Yuki's sling, his memory clear up until the time he left Yuki's hospital room.

"Yuki….What happened to me? Why am I in this bed?" Shuichi wiped his forehead, glistened with sweat, his pink hair sticking to his skin.

"You collapsed…." Yuki felt Shuichi's cheek, swallowing when he noticed the beginning signs of jaundice in the singer's eyes and skin. He leaned over Shuichi and kissed him on the neck, the skin hot and sticky under his lips. "The doctor ran some tests."

"…I'm scared…I feel so sick…." Shuichi grabbed Yuki's shirt sleeve, the nausea hitting him, but he swallowed it back. "What's wrong? What…." He looked into Yuki's eyes; the novelist's tear-glossed eyes gazed back into his own, the novelist's hand on Shu's cheek shaking. Shuichi swallowed and pressed close to Yuki, shivering when the novelist held him tighter.

"You've been drinking too much…." Yuki closed his eyes, recalling the conversation he'd overheard between Tohma and the doctor, the moment Tohma had shut the door Yuki had left Shu's bedside to listen. "You…." Yuki held Shuichi tightly, his hands tangling in the singer's bubblegum pink hair; his eyes glazed with tears that fell onto Shuichi's skin. "Your liver's failing…."

Shuichi shuddered in Yuki's embrace, his eyes tightly closed hearing Yuki's words, his heart beating loudly in his ears. The nausea passed through him, settling in his stomach; he felt his eyes water.

"….what's going….to happen….to me?"

"….." Yuki simply held tighter to the singer, ignoring the pain from his wounded shoulder; he kept in that embrace until he coughed after trying to stifle it.

"Yuki, are you all right? Are you?" Shuichi pushed out of Yuki's embrace to look into the novelist's eyes, to see his face. He felt another shudder pass through him seeing Yuki cough into his hand. "Yuki….?"

"…." Yuki glanced at his hand after the coughing fit, the blood not a surprise; he turned back to Shuichi, only to feel his heart jump in his chest at the look Shuichi gave him.

"Yuki, you're not all right." Shuichi grabbed Yuki's hand, swallowing hard at the sight of the blood; his hands trembled as he pressed his face into the novelist's chest, still cradling Yuki's hand. "It's your cancer….isn't it?"

"I'm sorry, Shuichi….I…if I hadn't left, you wouldn't have started drinking….you wouldn't…."

"…it's not your fault, Yuki….it's not."

"Shu…."

0

Ryuichi sat on the bed, the restraints undone; he stared at the bandage on his hand, eyes tearing up. Tatsuha sat beside him and held him close as he pulled his knees to his chest.

"Tats…I just wanted answers, I didn't mean to…."

Tatsuha just padded Ryu's back, whispering 'I love you' and kissing him on the forehead. He waited until Ryu calmed down before standing, lifting the singer to his feet.

"I can't get mad at you, Ryu. I can't….I…let's walk into the hall, the psychiatrist said you could walk around now."

"….Is your brother all right?"

"His shoulder is…but he has cancer….untreated according to Seguchi…." Tatsuha closed his eyes, inhaled and then exhaled. "…Shuichi collapsed yesterday….and hasn't woken up."

"…Shuichi? Is he all right? Did…is it because of me…of…."

"No….it's probably my fault….he's been drinking heavily over the pass year….because…." Tatsuha paused remembering that night he used alcohol to seduce Shuichi, leading to what in essence had been a rape. He bit his lip, gut wrenching against confessing that to Ryu. "I got him hooked on drinking….I…."

"…can we go see him?"

Tatsuha glanced at Ryu and then nodded, helping the singer to the door and walking by his side in the hall.

**A/N: End Chapter.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter 24**

Sunlight dim behind gathering clouds, the unheard breeze rustling the leaves and the final cherry blossoms of the season; Yuki knelt beside the hospital bed, his hand entwined with Shuichi's. Softly he laid his head on the mattress, tears shining in his golden brown eyes as he felt Shuichi's fingers running through his hair. His shoulder hurt, but it was a distant pain; Shuichi's hand holding blocked out all else.

Still the heavy words he had yet to say, those he ran from last year, settled painfully in his chest.

"Shu." Yuki felt the fingers in his hair pause, the next moment touching his cheek and the tears wetting his skin. "I never meant to hurt you. I….I wish I stayed, but….."

"Then why, Yuki, why did you leave? Just because of your cancer…I would never have abandoned you…."

"That's why." Yuki whispered, and let go of Shuichi's hand; the young vocalist whined weakly until Yuki pressed his lips upon the vocalist's. The kiss lingered; the taste and feel remained even after their lips parted. "I couldn't stand the thought of you joining me." Yuki's golden brown eyes watched as Shu's violet ones widened amid the vocalist's sweat glistened face.

"What? Yuki…."

"My cancer is incurable, and…."

"But with treatment…."

"….the doctors gave me only a year."

Shuichi inhaled sharply, his body protesting when he sat up and wrapped his arms around the surprised novelist.

"Why…why were you so selfish!? Idiot." Shuichi cried against Yuki's chest, too feeble to yell or throw a tantrum like he wanted -- the finality of the situation closing upon him. "A year? Your final year….you spent away from me….all that time lost."

"I couldn't stand you suffering or the thought you'd follow me after my death…that's something you would do. I'm sorry, Shuichi." Yuki held Shuichi against him, cradling the young vocalist as he sobbed against his chest; the irony settled in his thoughts and etched a bitter smile on his lips. He hadn't wanted Shu to follow him in death, but he couldn't live on if Shuichi died first.

Yuki kissed Shuichi's forehead, and turned to watch the season's straggling cherry blossoms through the hospital room's window. The sight recalled to him the poem he wrote in the café before being shot, before he could decide to beg for Shuichi's forgiveness again or to disappear.

"I wrote a poem for you." Yuki said softly, laying his head once more on the hospital bed, Shuichi's fingers running through his hair. "It isn't finished yet, but…" He dug his hand into his pocket, pulling out the inscribed napkin he refused to toss out. Slowly he began to recite it:

_The white blossoms of yesterday_

_I held out my hand once, gave with abandon_

_My childhood days._

_I believed they wouldn't set or that the moon_

_Would shine as a sliver sun,_

_And that the clouds couldn't gather._

_I held out my hand, reached for a godly light_

_But my fingers grasped cold steel._

_The lightning struck with thunder at its feet,_

_The too quick betrayal reversed_

_And the rain trapped me in even as the tears dried._

_The white blossoms of yesterday turned red._

_I stole my soul away and used my hands only_

_To grasp -- to consume the wine,_

_Never to taste. And never to give._

_The roses gnawed at my chest, leaving the crater_

_Larger, wider -- dead as God._

_But a muse of early blooms crossed my way,_

_And I reached out. I imagined a cherry blossom_

_But it was you -- just a seedling._

_I tried to trample your leaves, cast you aside_

_But a fire burned inside you that I could not douse._

_The reddened blossoms didn't seem so terrible._

_The white blossom of yesterday_

_Fell into my palm;_

_It was a feather from the wing_

_Of a Strawberry Angel._

_A blanket I couldn't do without._

_The chasm in my chest grew smaller,_

_The reddened petals creating a heart._

_But the white blossom vanished, slipped_

_From my hand -- I reached but then broke away_

_I could not touch you._

_I felt the pain of Heaven, the star and melody,_

_Its wine an opiate-blocker;_

_I'd have to face my demons, and the cold night_

_Could not numb what your love warmed._

_I couldn't endure your tears._

_The rain glistened white._

Yuki broke off, cheeks wet with tears as he focused on Shuichi's fingers running through his hair; self-loathing and regret fermenting inside him for not returning sooner.

"As I said, it isn't finished, but…."

"It's beautiful, Yuki." Shuichi's voice sounded weaker, the singer's eyes slowly closing, the hand caressing the author's hair falling to the mattress. He formed another whisper before the machines attached to him started beeping, the shrill sounds suffocating the air as Yuki jumped to his feet.

Yuki's eyes widened in terror as he grabbed Shuichi's arm, his senses numb to his surroundings even footsteps rushed forward and arms pulled him away from the bed. He fought against them, but he lost; pulled out into the hall, he fell to his knees trembling. His surroundings blurred as his heart pounded in his chest, insides twisting as shut his eyes; the comforting words from family distant to his ears.

"Shuichi…." He whispered, closing his eyes as the world wrenched itself away.

**A/N**: **I hate myself! I can't write anymore, I'm getting too emotional. Poor Yuki and Shuichi….**

**Anyway the poem used in this chapter is mine, and I wrote it when I wrote the chapter where Yuki visited the café; back then I had something completely different planned out but….my muse deviated my plans and so….well please review.**


	25. Chapter 25

A/N: Right after I thought my muse had given up on this story, it surprises me with an abundance of ideas. Now if it can only allow me to complete a story or two before giving me ideas for new stories. I forgot much of what's been happening in this story and only reread some of the chapters before writing this, so if there are any plot mistakes or such, that's why.

**Gomen ne:**

**Chapter 25:**

Tatsuha watched as his brother collapsed.

The blond desperately tried to fight against those who dragged him from Shuichi's room, but passed out from the effort; Tatsuha trembled against Ryuichi as he glanced into Shuichi's room before returning his gaze to his brother. His insides grew cold and throat dry as he watched the doctors bring Yuki to another room -- Tohma and Mika followed the novelist to the room, not calming until the head doctor revealed Yuki's condition.

Tatsuha remained frozen by Ryuichi's side, his heart beating painfully against his ribs; it took the touch of Ryuichi's hand on his cheek to pull him from his thoughts. Then he simply glanced into Ryuichi's cobalt blue eyes, the worry in them silently questioning.

The black-haired monk slid down into one of the hallway chairs, his arms trembling as he placed his face in the juncture of his idol's neck; the scent and feel of the singer small comforts.

"…it's my fault…." Tatsuha whispered as Ryuichi's fingers ran through his hair; he choked on his confession, unable to lift up his face to see his idol's expression after the words left his lips. "…even after that…even when I saw Shu's drinking get out of hand I did nothing to help."

"Tats…." Ryuichi sighed and pulled the younger man into a tighter embrace; he listened as the shrill beeps from Shuichi's room settled back to a safe sound. He approached as Shuichi's doctor left the room, Tatsuha glancing up as he felt his idol's arms leave.

Tatsuha listened as Ryuichi questioned the doctor about Shuichi's condition, the mention of Shuichi needing a new liver twisting his stomach.

"Isn't there anything that can be done? Any other way…." Ryuichi pleaded with the doctor, struggling not to shed the tears burning behind his eyelids.

"There's a chance he can survive with a partial donation --"

Tatsuha stood up before the doctor finished the sentence, the words entering his ears burning a sudden idea into his brain.

"You mean if someone donated half their liver Shuichi could live?"

"Yes, but the blood type needs to match to lessen the possibility of rejection, and…."

Tatsuha barely heard the rest of the doctor's words, his eyes gleaming with determination.

0

Tohma gazed over Eiri's unconscious form on the hospital bed, the IVs and wires hooked up to the novelist's arms and chest driving pain deep into the older blond's heart. He turned to his left as Mika talked more with the doctor, signing the paper given to her: as Eiri's oldest blood relative immediately available, Mika had full say on her brother's treatment while the novelist was unconscious.

"Mika…." Tohma brought his wife into a strong embrace after the doctor left, he swallowed as he felt her tremble against his chest; he let her rest her head on his shoulder as they both gazed down at Eiri.

"The doctor's going to start treatment for Eiri's cancer after running more blood work. I hope it's enough."

Tohma brought her to the chair with him, humming as he held her against his chest.

0

Fujisaki sat down, stunned as Tatsuha's words pounded on his eardrums, echoing. He glanced towards Hiro, noticing the hopeful glint in the guitarist's eyes before he turned back to the teenage monk.

"Since I share Shindou's blood type, you want me to donate half my liver to save him."

"Please, I would do it myself, but my blood type isn't compatible with Shuichi's. Neither is Ryuichi's…."

"But why….why should I donate half my liver to an alcoholic? It's not like an illness caused Shindou's liver to fail, he drank himself into this condition -- in six months! Most people spend years drinking themselves into liver failure…."

"Fujisaki, please." Hiro approached his band-mate, the younger man sitting with arms folded across his chest; the red haired guitarist placed his hand on the green haired keyboardist's shoulder. "Shuichi is still the vocalist of Bad Luck, our band….and it's not like he's the only one at fault."

"If you mean _we_ could've gotten him into rehab before this, you're forgetting that I repeatedly tried to get him to do so over the past few months. I only failed because Seguchi-san forced me to remain in Bad Luck, making the only trump card I had useless…."

"For god-sakes, Fujisaki, we're talking about Shuichi's life! Can't you put aside your bitterness and just do it?" Hiro clenched his fists and struck the chair beside the keyboardist. "Every second spent arguing is a second wasted…."

"If it was donating blood, I'd do it without a second thought, but donating half my liver risks my life as well, and it doesn't guarantee Shuichi will live." Fujisaki bit down on his bottom lip, eyes shut tight as he inhaled, exhaled; he opened his eyes when Tatsuha interrupted Hiro's continued protests.

"Would knowing it was my fault Shuichi began drinking change your mind, Fujisaki-san?" Tatsuha paused as both the keyboardist and guitarist glanced back at him. He felt his throat go dry but he continued before either band member could question him. "Six months ago, I got Shuichi drunk and took advantage of him. Before that I would bring alcohol to his apartment every day."

Tatsuha felt himself hit the floor next to the wall before he realized Hiro punched him; the left side of his face reddened and sore as he saw the guitarist readying another strike.

"Nakano-san, that's enough!" Fujisaki instinctively held the guitarist back even as the impulse to punch Tatsuha himself surged through him. "We're in a hospital."

"All this time I thought it was just Yuki's leaving that caused Shu to drink, but you….if I had known for a second that you had…."

"Nakano-san, save it for later. Saving Shuichi's life is more important." Fujisaki wrestled against the guitarist until the older man relaxed his fists; he released his band-mate when he felt Hiro's breathing relax.

"Fujisaki, does what you just said mean you agree to donating half your liver?" Hiro's arms fell to his sides as he turned to the green haired keyboardist; his anger stilled only by averting his eyes from Tatsuha's face.

"Yes. Since it was more than Yuki-san's leaving that started Shu drinking, there's a stronger possibility that he'll stop drinking if he receives help." Fujisaki sighed and met Hiro's eye. "He has to go through rehab though, I don't want it to be a waste donating half my liver. I won't be able to donate again."

"I understand, and this time if Shuichi refuses I'll be on your side."

**A/N: I searched online for the characters' blood types while typing this and what I'd originally planned for this chapter I was unable to do due to the blood types I found online for the characters….I had to go to a different site to find out Shuichi's blood type, but wikipedia has Tatsuha's blood type as AB and Ryuichi's as B. Shuichi's is A, according to the site I got his information on, the same as Fujisaki's.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Gomen ne**

**Chapter 26**

3 months later:

Shuichi gazed up at the light blue sky, his hand tentatively touching his abdomen - the surgery scar from the partial liver transplant remained as a lasting reminder. A memento of how close he'd brought himself to death's door - and it acted as a deterrent every time urges to drink cropped up.

Like now. His throat was dry and his stomach twisted as he recalled the past few months. The damage he had to work to fix - the constant reminders of how damaging his depression had been. He began to feel that one and a half months in rehab hadn't been enough. His eyes watered, the heavy sun bearing down upon him with a brightness akin to an overdone smile, especially one that tried to manifest itself within a deep depression.

Yuki was still in the hospital. The progression of his cancer over the past year, with it rapid growth in the most recent months, demanded constant care of the mostly unconscious novelist. Something Tohma and Mika made sure he received.

"Shuichi? Do you want to grab a bite to eat?" Hiro inquired, pausing behind the pink-haired singer. He noticed, and quickly shifted his eyes from, Shuichi running his fingers over the surgical scar. There hadn't been much negative consequences resulting from the partial transplant for either Shuichi or Fujisaki, the hardest part had been convincing Shuichi to attend rehab.

"I can't do this anymore, Hiro. Yuki….he's still unconscious and….I feel alone, like the solitude will break me….I want to drink so badly at times, that…." Shuichi stared with moist eyes at the sun, his face glistening under its brightness and heat. "But if I go back to rehab….Yuki might wake up and I won't be able to see him."

"Shuichi, when Yuki wakes up I'm certain that things can be arranged where you can see him if you go to back to rehab. But you don't have to go to inpatient rehab - we can find you some support groups you can attend. Make things easier…."

"….Hiro, what if Yuki never wakes up? The doctor says that the cancer doesn't seem to be spreading anymore, but Yuki is seldom conscious….what if…."

Hiro wrapped his arms around the singer without a word, holding the pink haired man tightly against his chest. The cool breeze around them seemed to disappear into oblivion as the clouds above veiled the vivid sun, casting a calm pall over them. The guitarist swallowed as he felt tears from Shuichi's cheeks dripping on his shoulder and neck - the hand of death had approached so close in recent months that he dreaded the havoc it would bring. If Yuki succumbed to the cancer, Hiro didn't know if Shuichi could survive.

0

_- The brief blossoms of yesterday_

_I didn't know if your arms could grow colder_

_Or if your words could sting much deeper_

_The clearer your face was, the clearer you showed love to be a trifle_

_The further apart it seemed we became -_

Shuichi read over the words silently, the smile inching its way onto his lips small and keenly melancholic. Another month had passed, 3 weeks of which he'd spent in a second bout of rehab. The daily grind of therapy and opening up assuaged his constant worrying about Yuki. His thoughts didn't have time to dwell on the novelist when he kept busy.

The vocalist stretched and then picked up a pencil, bringing the soft graphite to a blank part of the paper. During rehab he'd used his free time to write - poems and journal entries - resulting in an increase in his writing skills.

'_Yuki would still say I score a zero in writing love songs. I wonder if today will be one of his good days?' _Shuichi sighed and glanced at the digital clock of his new apartment - the red numbers showed 8:30 AM, about 45 minutes until he could check on Yuki at the hospital.

One week ago the novelist had regained consciousness fully, yet was still mostly confined to his hospital room. That day had been Shuichi's last day of his second bout of rehab in response to the novelist's wakening.

The silence crowding into the barely lived in room was soon broken by the rhythmic ringtone of his cell phone.

0

Shuichi entered the hospital room, his heart beating rapidly as Seguchi's words from over the phone echoed in his ears: _"Eiri wants to see you." _His violet eyes drunk in the novelist's profile as Yuki gazed out the window, the clear yet thick glass allowed the sunlight through unhindered; Shuichi could almost feel the warmth.

He shut the door quietly as he watched how the sunlight illuminated Yuki's face and body - the soft, warm light provided a glow to Yuki's features that made it seem like the novelist was smiling though his lips were a straight line.

The gentleness in Yuki's eyes as he continued gazing out the window, oblivious to Shuichi's entrance, pulled Shuichi's breath from the vocalist's lungs. Shuichi slipped his fingers into his pocket touching the sheet of paper inscribed with the poem he'd written that morning it gave him confidence to approach the novelist. This was the first time since the novelist regained consciousness that he could visit Yuki alone.

"How long are you going to stand there looking ready to burst in tears?" Yuki's voice broke the sweet stillness and Shuichi soon found the novelist's golden brown eyes staring straight into his, glowering. "I'm not dead yet."

"Yuki…gomen. I…." Shuichi approached a tentative step, fingers pulling out the paper from his pocket he paused as Yuki yawned and leaned back against the propped up side of the bed.

"God, don't tell me you brought more lyrics for me to read. The last ones put me to sleep, they scored so low."

"Yuki! Don't be mean! how can you be so cruel when I love you so much?" Shuichi zoomed to the bed, his expression morphed into one that showed his hyper-energetic, teary-eyed, love/hate Yuki expression. The one he got every time the novelist said a biting remark.

Yuki responded by laughing then grinning.

"That's more like it. There's the Shuichi I know. I though you'd keep that 'about to burst in tears' melancholic expression this whole visit. I get enough of that from Seguchi."

"Gomen. I guess I deserved that, I shouldn't look miserable when I visit you." Shuichi smiled at Yuki, the words barely leaving his lips when Yuki glanced at him and made another deliberate yawn.

"Maaan, this new maturity you gained has made you boring. Nothing like the no-talent brat I used to know. Maybe listening to Seguchi will be more entertaining….."

"What? What? What! I am way better than Seguchi! Why? Why! Why do you have to be so mean Yuki - !"

"Haha. Why do you have to be so depressing, brat? You're not the one stuck in this bed."

"I wish I was."

"Oh? Can't satisfy yourself? Need some help?"

"Wha…? No, no, no. I don't mean that…." Shuichi turned red and fervently glanced at the door then back at Yuki. "These walls and door are not soundproof, and I'm certain Seguchi is standing right outside. I, I…."

Yuki gazed warmly at Shuichi, lips curved in a genuine smile while Shuichi glanced at the door again. The next second Yuki folded his arms behind his head like a pillow, his tease-the-brat expression on his face.

"Well, if you could be silent through it all, we could…."

"Yuki! The door doesn't lock and the doctors can come in at anytime!"

"Well, then they'll get an eyeful."

"Yuki!"

"I'm just teasing you." Yuki placed his hand on Shuichi's head, the pink-haired vocalist's face tomato red. "It's been too long since I've been able to do that."

Shuichi simply huffed and held tightly to Yuki, allowing silence to embrace them as the novelist ran thin fingers through the vocalist's pink hair. Violet eyes watering slight, Shuichi swallowed as he realized how thin Yuki had become. He closed his eyes and burrowed his face into Yuki's abdomen, struggling to keep his tears silent. He felt Yuki's fingers pause before the novelist cradled him gently with one arm, while lithe fingers continued playing with the singer's pink hair strands.

The clock on the wall ticked by 20 seconds before Yuki spoke.

"I'm glad you came today, Shu. There's something I….I thought about over the pass few days."

"Yuki….you're not going to tell me to get on with my life or that you're going to leave again? Are you?" Shuichi trembled, head laid on Yuki's chest.

"No. There is something that I had Seguchi get for me….I picked it out of a catalog….it's under the pillow." Yuki averted his eyes from Shuichi as he felt the pink haired man search under the pillow. His slight blush showed brightly on his paper-fair skin.

Shuichi frowned as he felt around under the pillow, his eyes widening as his hand closed on a small, felt box. His heart pounded as he removed it, not believing his first perceptions when the small black box came into view. It took a few more seconds for him to comprehend what he held. His eyes slowly rising to meet with Yuki's

"Yuki…."

"Open it."

Shuichi held his breath as he did as Yuki said, the content of the box reflecting the sunlight filtering into the room.

The medium, delicate cut diamond set on a gold band rested on the silver-gray velvet inside the black box; Shuichi felt his fingers shake as his tear-blurred eyes beheld the wonder.

"Will you be mine until death parts us?"

Shuichi nodded furiously, tears running down his cheeks as he buried his face once more into Yuki's chest, his arms wrapped tightly around the novelist's lithe form.

0

2 Weeks Later:

Shuichi held onto Yuki as they gazed out at the night sky from the balcony of their apartment, the cool breeze of a late summer's night blowing gently around them. On his left ring finger was the diamond ring and a golden band, both glittering under the stars.

"Yuki." Shuichi glanced up at the novelist's face, listening to the fireworks whistling in the distance while he watched their reflections in Yuki's eyes. He smiled and snuggled against the blond's chest, listening to the rhythmic heartbeat. "I love you."

Shuichi's smile widened as he felt Yuki's arm tighten around him, the warmth filling him even as the cool breeze wrapped around them. 'I love you too' that arm said, and he rested his head comfortably against Yuki's chest and closed his eyes.

**A/N: **The end. AH, I'm sorry for taking so long, and if this ending doesn't seem good enough I'm really sorry! I just couldn't think of a suitable ending, and whenever I tried to write I just ended up staring at a blank computer screen while my thoughts gave me ideas for other fanfics I was working on. Please forgive me!

Anyway, this fanfic has ended, though I might - _might_ - write a continuation focusing on Tatsuha and Ryuichi. But that will have to wait until I finish a couple of my other fanfics.


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